Continue on from last chill and relax post ..
51)
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our waiter came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra Man-hours per shift.
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."
"How's that, I asked?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh . . ., selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "
Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use the spoon in my pocket"!
Phew….that was probably the longest joke I have….
52)
A young man and woman come to a doctor's office and say:
"Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?"
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table,the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sexproperly. That will be forty dollars."
They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.
On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly."
The boy explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medisave
53)
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can stop using sign language. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he would be treated as well “Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. “Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. “Tomorrow, we will start with 'B'"
More teacher joke...
54)
Substitute teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
55)
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.
56)
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
John: I hope you didn't either
57)
John: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
58)
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
John: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
John: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
59)
Ah Ming: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Ah Ming: Your signature on this report card.
60)
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
61)
Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Ah beng: You can't fool me Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
62)
Hygiene teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Ah lian: Don't bite any.
63)
Teacher: Ah swee, go to the map and find Singapore.
Ah swee: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered Singapore?
CLASS: Ah swee!
64)
Teacher: Why are you late, ah kow
Ah kow: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Ah kow: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
65)
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables!
66)
Teacher: Xiao Ming, what is the chemical formula for water?
Xiao Ming: H I J K L M N O!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Xiao Ming: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
67)
Teacher: Xiao Ming, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Xiao Ming: Me!
68)
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, ah beng, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Ah beng: Because George still had the axe in his hand
69)
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
70)
There once was a very good old barber in New York.
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there?
Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Singaporean....
Have you got the answer?
A dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!
71)
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another*door, this one is made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Hahaha, probably one of my more favourite jokes
72)
A young soldier and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks."
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black.
There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap.When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: "I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him and slapped me instead!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!"
The young soldier sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?"
73)
Young 13 years-old Jenny woke up one morning wondering about her age. Her grandparents have been staying at her house for a week, and so she went to her grandmother.
"Grandma?" said Jenny. "Yes dear?" replied her grandmother.
"How old am I?" asked Jenny. "Well, honey..." replied the grandmother, and after a few moments of thinking she answered - "You're 13."
"Wow grandma! How did you find that out?" wondered Jenny.
"Well, Jenny, last year you celebrated your 12th birthday, so I made the math and reckoned you're now 13."
"Thank you grandma! You're so smart!" Said Jenny, and headed off to her grandfather.
"Grandpa, grandpa, how old am I?" asked Jenny.
"Well, Jenny...." Said the grandfather, and after a few moments of thinking said- "Take off your blouse...” So Jenny took off her blouse.
"Now take off your pants." said the grandfather. Jenny took off her pants with a bewildered look.
"Now your bra" said the grandfather. Jenny took off her bra, staying topless.
"And your panties" said the grandfather. Jenny took off her panties, now completely naked.
The grandfather examined her for a few minutes and then said- "Well, Jenny, you're 13!"
"Wow grandpa!” Said Jenny, amazed, "How could you tell?"
"I heard grandma." said the grandfather.
74)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years".
75)
A Japanese passenger stay at Marina bay sand Hotel and wanted to go to the airport. The hotel helps him to book a cab. A comfort sonata (made in Korea) arrived, the cab driver help him to load up his luggage. He hop into the cab and the driver drives on. While driving along ECP, the Japanese wind down the window when he see a Toyota crown cab speed pass and he shouted “Toyota Crown, very good and fast, made in Japan. The cab driver was stunned and keep quiet wondering what's going on with his passenger. Another Toyota wish cab speed pass and he shouted, "Toyota Wish, very good, make in Japan, then a Honda freed speed past, he shout again," Honda, good make in Japan." The taxi driver ignore his crazy passenger and he drive on slowly and steady.
When reached the airport, the Japanese passenger asked the taxi driver, why the fare so expensive? The driver look at him and reply “Meter very fast, good, make in Japan".
76)
Ah Beng: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is the final game.
77)
Ah Beng: If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I’ll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng: No, I’ll also stay with your sister.
78)
Ah Beng: People consider me as a ‘GOD’
Mother: How do you know??
Ah Beng: When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.
79)
Ah Beng complained to the police: ‘Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.’
Police: ‘How come the thief did not take TV?’
Ah Beng: "I was watching TV news…"
80)
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying ‘Parking Fine’
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for complement."
81)
Ah Beng told his servant: ‘Go and water the plants!’
Servant: ‘It’s already raining.’
Ah Beng: ‘So what? Take an umbrella and go.’
82)
My sister came home from work last night and she was hot and bothered. She saw me in
the hallway and said: "Take off my blouse". So I did as she said and took off her blouse.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt. "Take off my heels."
Once again, I did as she said and I took off her heels. "Now undo my pantyhose, bra, and
panties." And quickly, I took them off. Then she looked at me in the eye and said... "I don't
want to catch you wearing my clothes ever again."
83)
Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one
"Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe? Let me show you." and he
called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car
showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and
rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he
was stupid."
The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and
he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali
said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have
enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is so
stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a
Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed?" Ali replied,
"You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at
home... He got handphone what can just call home what!
84)
A Christian, Muslim and Hindu were arguing whose God is best. The Christian then brought them to the top of the HDB flat and said" my God is the best cause he will save me when ever I need him". He climbed the ledge and jumped down from the 10 storey flat. As he was about to meet his doom “he shouted “Jesus save me!”. Poof and he appeared whole and safe back on the top floor. The Muslim, not to be outdone- said" mine will save me too!" And jumped down. He shouted “Allah save me!" And the same thing happened as with the Christian. The Hindu - seeing this and knowing that the pride of his religion is at stake, proceeded to climb the ledge, said “I will invoke the power of my gods to save me!" And jumped.
Why did the Hindu die?
Answer: He didn't have time to recite all the names of his gods before he hit the ground.
85)
Ah Qiang walk for a very long time, suddenly his leg become very suan (tired), why?
Answer: Because he step on a lemon
86)
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes, dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No la, my is undying love only
87)
During an ASEAN meeting, all leaders of the ASEAN countries were present, including Lee Kuan Yew.
During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, “I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with an initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind.”
Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: “I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 million RP a year. Isn’t that smarter?”
As usual, Lee Kuan Yew of Singapore was not impressed and say, “I told my Minister of Transport to spend SGD$500 to buy an old printing machine and we also made SGD$50 Billion a year.”
Everybody was taken aback and asked “What the hell can you do with just SGD$500?”
Lee replied “I use the machine to print COE.”
88) A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ‘Dad says, 'you are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
89)
Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Lee Hsien Loong were sitting poolside, having tea and enjoying some idle banter.
Obama said: "You know, the US Navy SEALs are the best military force in the world. Those guys are fearless, and they will do anything their commander in chief tells them to!" He then instructs the groundskeeper to fill the pool full of alligators and piranhas.
Having done so, he proceeds to order a US Navy SEAL to jump into the pool and swim all the way to the other end. The SEAL promptly does so, and emerges at the other end bitten and bleeding, but manages to snap off a salute to his president before collapsing.
Vladimir Putin then goes "Pssht, is nothing. Russian Spetsnasz commandos are braver, they will gladly die for Mother Russia. I prove to you!"
He then tells the groundsman to throw floating mines, string anti-personnel mortars and concertina wire across the water surface, following which he orders a Spetsnasz commando to jump in the pool and swim to the other end. The Russian commando promptly snaps off a salute and does so, but unfortunately trips a mine and dies in the process. "You see, he die gladly for Mother Russia!" exclaims Putin.
Lee Hsien Loong then chips in with "You think that's impressive? You haven't seen anything yet. Bring one of my NSmen in, please." After an NSman arrived, LHL then tells the groundsman: "Hey, fill the whole pool with acid, concentrated acid, anything that goes in sure die one."
The groundsman does so, and soon the pool is overflowing with corrosive acid.
Lee then turns to the NSman, and says "You, jump in and swim to the other end." The NSman looks back at Lee, pulls a face, and shouts "WTF?!? YOU SIAO ARH?"
Lee then turns to the other two world leaders and says "You see? HE DARES TALK BACK TO ME."
90)
Why did Ah Beng go to a R(A) movie with his 18 friends?
Answer: Because below 18 was not allowed
91)
Question: If you see 2 Chinese men holding hands & you call them "gays", what do you call 10 Chinese man holding hands? Answer: CHINGAY!!
92)
Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!"
The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!" Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea. Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn,He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (Go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex (Rolex) and my wallet!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest. In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared,I got condom!!!"
93)
There was this young and pretty bimbo who just started work. After her first week, her lao bu asked her, “Why you every day eat MacDonald? Your pay also not high?” Pretty bimbo girl said, “Never mind one. My boss give me treat.” “Everyday?” her mother eye big big look at her. “Where got boss so good one? And why you every day wear so short dress to work?” “Aiya, Ma,” Pretty bimbo Girl said. “My boss very nice one. But he old Liao, Cannot climb ladder. Everyday also ask me climb ladder take something from top shelf. He some more hold ladder for me. So kind, rite?”
“Aiyo!” her mother exclaimed, “You kanna cheated liao. Your boss is chi kopek (perverted old man). Actually, he is peeping at your panties.” “Is it?” pretty bimbo girl said. “Wah Lau. Why he like that one?” The next day, pretty bimbo girl went to work in mini-skirt as usual. When she returned, her mother asked, “Ah Girl, your boss got ask you climb ladder take things again?” “Got.” Pretty bimbo girl said. “Aiyo,” her mother exclaimed “I oredi told you right? Your boss is chi kopek. He is peeping at your panties lah.” “No worries, Ma,” Pretty bimbo girl said. “Today I didn’t wear panties.”
94)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!" "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... What happened to the other ear?" "That stoopid Dumbo called back!"
95)
What’s the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales? Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: "Once upon a time..." Hokkien fairy tales begin with: "Lim Peh ka li Kong..."
96)
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
97)
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, ‘send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....
98)
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'
99)
Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"
Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!”
100)
Ah Beng: “Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and London?” Operator: “Just a minute…”
Ah Beng: “Thank you” *puts down the phone*
One last one, as a bonus...
101)
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an Singaporean and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and Immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was aso contented with his beer pool. The last is the Singaporean. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Hahaha that's all folks!thanks for reading!
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