[Post 98]Just For Laugh part 4: Another 100 Jokes part 1

Welcome back to another installment of 100 jokes,a GREAT MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!

Some credit to the various forum which i won't name...

1)

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work long,hard hours.The blacksmith instructed the boy ,"when i take the horseshoe out of the anvil ,and when i nod my head,you hit it with this hammer

The apprentice did just as he told now he is the only village blacksmith


2)

DINER:"waiter waiter!, what"s wrong with this fish"

waiter :"Long time no sea,sir"


geddit?

3)

"Don"t do that ," i said when one of the first graders playfully draped a bank note across his eyes."money is full of germs."

"Is it?" He asked.

"Yes,it's very dirty"

He thought about it a moment

"Is that why they call people who have a lot of it "filthy rich?"

4)

Jimmy had a trouble when to use I instead of me.Then one day,while creating a sentense in front of the first grade class,jimmy haltingly said ," i...i... shut the door"

Realizing that he was right,he jump up and down and shouted ,"me did it!"


5)

My sixth grade would not leave alone for a single second .It was a constant stream of "ms osborn","ms osborn?",ms osborn?"

Fed up,i said firmly ,"do you think we could go for five minutes without anyone calling ms Osborn ?

The classroom got quiet,then from the back , a soft voice said,"...um cyndi?"

6)

The kids were painting a project for social studies and got some paint on the floor.Fearing that someone might slip,i asked a student to take care of it.

A few minutes later,a piece of paper appeared on the floor with the words "caution - wet paint"

7)

During a parent teacher conference , a mother insisted i shouldn't taken point of her daughter history assignments for calling her subject Henry 8 instead of Henry viii.

"We have only regular numbers on our keyboard,she explain "no roman numeric"

8)

When her child towel was stolen during a school swimming trip, an irate parent complain to a teacher ,"what kind of juvenile  delinquents are in class with my child? !"

"I am sure it was taken accidentally," the teacher explained ,"what does it look like? "

"It's white ," said the parent ,"and it say a holiday INN on it"


9)

In a history class...

Question:Name a famous explorer

Answer:Dora

who used to remember watching dora?

10)

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

11)

Ah Beng bought a new car recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her and started bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.

"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"said ah beng

"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.

"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, very easy to drive!"

So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"

So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator.

The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.

"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng.

"Sorry, sorry, pai seh lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"


12)

The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children.

To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.

To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.

To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.

To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.

Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."


13)

3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian were at the army supply base to collect underwear.

The sergeant was there to aid the supplies.


Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah?

Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!

Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?

Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.


Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?

Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!

Sergeant: (curious) How come six?

Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.

Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei?

Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!

Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?

Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one.


14)

A gas station was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying,


"Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local guy pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his freesex.


The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,he would get his free sex. The guy then guessed 8, and the proprietor said,

"You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same guy, along with a friend, pulled in for a fill-up.

Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.


The guy guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the guy said to his friend, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

His friend replied, "No it ain't rigged my wife won twice last week!!"

understand the gimmick?
15)



A singaporean was having his coffee, croissants, bread,

butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house.A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation.


Malaysian: "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?" Singaporean: "Of course."

Malaysian: "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore."


The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence.

Malaysian: "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"

Singaporean: "Of course."



Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them,transform them into jam,.....before we sell it across to Singapore."

This time, the Singaporean retorted: "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"

Malaysian: "Why, of course we do"

Singaporean: "Do you wear protection"

Malaysian: "Of course! We wear condoms."

Singaporean: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Malaysian: "We throw them away, of course."

Singaporean: "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia & folks that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore."

There are quite a few variation of this jokes,but it always end up with the chewing gum

16)

A little old lady went into the Bank of Singapore one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the Bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk, the president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked,"Bets? What kind of bets? "The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square!

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.

The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Singapore president's balls in my hand."


17)


Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."


Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"


18)

A Mafia Godfather accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with one of his underling

The Godfather asks the underling "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The underling does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 3 million dollars is.


The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about. The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of his underling, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He wants to know where it is!"

The underling signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Hahaha,i always love mafia jokes
19)



A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God.

The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?"

And God said "A minute."

Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million dollars to you?"

And God said: "A penny"

Then the man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?"

And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."


20)

An old couple always attended church. The husband, however, always fell asleep. The pastor had an idea: he would raise his hand in his sermons at the appropriate time, signalling to the wife to poke the husband with a pin.

The service started and the husband fell asleep as usual. The pastor saw this and asked, "Who is our savior?", raising his hands. The wife poked the husband in the leg with the pin. The husband leapt and said "Jesus Christ!" and stayed awake for a few minutes.

Soon he fell asleep again. Then the pastor asked, "Who should we praise every day?", raising his hands again. The wife poked him again. The husband leapt and said, "God!" and stayed awake for a few more minutes.

Pleased that it is working out, the pastor continued with his sermon. He was so engrossed that he didn't notice that the man fell asleep once again. He asked the congregation "What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth to their 23rd child?", raising his hands in excitement. The wife took this as a signal to poke the husband.

The husband shouted "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it into two and shove it up your ass!!"

Perhaps,it isn't really appropriate for christmas,hahaha
21)

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. 

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and  enters the house. 


He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation 

but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. 

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. 

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. 

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" 

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You screw her again."

22)

Q:Bread & Coffee which one noisier ?

A:Breadtalk, because Kopitiam

Finally,a joke i can use in everyday life!
23)

Question: How much does a hipster weigh?

Answer: An Instagram

Another joke you can use when you see your friend using instagram!
24)

Ah Lian wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.

Ah Lian: “You got colour TV or not ah?”

Salesman: “Yes!”

Ah Lian: “Okay, I want pink one.”


25)

After reading the application form completed by Ah Beng:

Interviewer: ” We have an… opening for you! ”

Ah Beng: “What is it? ”

Interviewer: “ The door!”.


26)

An old man was lying critically ill in hospital, the doctor feared that he might not be able to leave past that night, so his family, all christian quickly ask their church priest to attend to that sickly old man for a prayer.

He arrived soon after but the moment he stand beside the bed and pray, the old man who was sedated, soon experience breathing difficulty. The old man family broke down in tears and the priest continue to pray silent as they knew his time is up.

That old man quickly took a pen and paper and scribble some notes to the father, The priest folded and kept the notes in his pocket without looking at it, "Since it is your last wishes I promised not to look at it. Rest assured, I will pass this to your family."

The old man passed away and during his wake, the priest pass the note to his daughter saying, "Your father left some notes for you and his loved one, now i shall pass it back to you..."

The old man's daughter unfold the note and its read:

YOUR BLOODY ***HOLE! WHY ARE YOU STEPPING ON MY OXYGEN TANK???!!!


27)

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."

The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."

Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."

Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch ****.

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

27) is probably my most favourite joke in this post,hahaha
28)

At the shrink's office...

Doctor : "Do you look at your wife's face when you are having sex?"

Me : "I did, once. And she looked very angry"

Doctor "Oh, and why's that?"

Me : "Because she is watching from the window outside the house..."



29)

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead


MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

29) has definitely some wise words...

30)

A little boy asked his father

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

And that is why you remain single so you can achieve FIRE(jus kidding!) 31)

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

"For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.

"You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"

"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

32)

A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!"

The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands".

One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl says: ’Easy ... I didn’t feel a thing."

sick burn....

33)

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Which is ...?" they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl.

"Oh,quite good" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said. "I had sex with practically every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."

"Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl....... my room key


34)


Wife served breakfast to Husband. Along with that, she gave a tablet also and said : " Take this *Paracetamol* after breakfast."

*Husband* : " Why ? I don't have fever."

*Wife* : "OK, then take this *Digene* "

*Husband* : "Come on ! I don't have even gastric trouble."

*Wife* : " Ok, take at least *Pudeen Hara* You will have an immediate relief."

*Husband* : "My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK."

*Wife* : Oh, but you must take at least *Combiflame* Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time."

*Husband* : " Are you crazy ? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden ? Thanks darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic."


*Wife* : " Very good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.


35)

*Retiree Joke*

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

*Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents*. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with thebartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, *They're retired Singaporeans, they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price*.


36)

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

when you realise...

37)

The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use `big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words."

She then asked Joey what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said.

"No, you took a ride on a Train. Use big people words."

She then asked Eddie what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said,

"Winnie The Shit."


38)

My wife asked me this morning, 'Whacha doing today?'

I said, 'Nothing'.

She said, 'That's what you did yesterday'.

I said, 'I wasn't finished'.


39)

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.

The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.

When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.

She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.

Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he’d had fun. He told her he hadn’t.

He said that after a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.

He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"

40)

Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed." That’s Brand Recognition.

Now if only my marketing class was this interesting...

41)

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says,

"About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

42)

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.


42)

There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man.

One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off.

The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves.

The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me!

What happened?"

God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"


43)

The reason I fired my secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked


44)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don’t have what it takes, take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."


45)

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

ohh..i like this burn too...


46)
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful young Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door, and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "Well, by hiding the young woman you placed the two of you in great danger. Two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

46) is probably my second favourite joke in this post

47)

Who is drunk????

The Five Stages Of Drunkeness

Stage 1 - CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.


Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.


THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP

Stage 1 - STUPID

As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.

Stage 2 - UGLY

Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.

Stage 3 - POOR

Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.

Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.

Stage 4 - FRAGILE

As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.

Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS

This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

simple,dun't get drunk

48)

A man, a woman, and a cop

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road.

A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! (The man gives wife dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."


49)

Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother,

"How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny.

"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, thestork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnnybhanded in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible tobwrite due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."


50)

A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache.

It worked! The headaches are all gone."

"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"

hahaha,part two will be up soon!

[Post 97] Learning investing/trading together part 22:How to purchase a stock?(FSM)

In the last Learning investing/trading post,i mention that i have started open an account with FundSuperMart(FSM),which has the lowest brokerage cost in Singapore(0.08% or a minimum of $10)

Surprisingly,the sign up process was easy using Singpass account and in about one day, i open a brokerage account with FSM.

So,why choose FSM as a brokerage?

• Cheapest stock brokerages fees in Singapore at (0.08% or a minimum of $10)
• Good customer service,asked some queries on the account fee using the chat interface and was  answer promptly

Cons

• No physical bank(Yes,some people prefer a brick and mortar bank)
• Must transfer money to FSM and they will update your account balance(Updating of balance in account generally takes an hour not immediate)
• Let's say you transfer $4000 at 3 PM to your FSM account,only at 4 PM then your account balance will show that you have $4000 transfer in

How to set up a FSM account?

• You can choose to Sign up with a Singpost account or sign up normally and you are done,quick and easy!

Onto the step by step guide on how to purchase a stock via FSM!


Step 1)Transfer money into your FSM Account

How much to transfer? 

• Well, it depends on how much your budget to purchase those stock and whether you have enough in your bank
• Currently, the Brokerage charges for FSM (Singapore):0.08%, min $10
• SCB charges 0.2% or minimum $10
• DBS vickers cash upfront charges 0.12% or minimum $10
• if you are investing up to $5,000, you can either use DBS Vickers or SCB or FSM.
• If you are investing above $5,000 and up to $8,333.34, use either DBS Vickers Cash Upfront or FSM.
• If you are investing above $8,888.34, use FSM.
• ***Note: You can invest in any amount you like it need not be $5,000, in my personal case I use either $3000 or $5000 or $7000
• So you have decided the amount? What's next?
• Transfer the money, of course!

1. Log in to your FSM account, and you will reach the below page

2.Take note of your personal account number,you will use the number to transfer money into your FSM account from your respective bank(Red Box)

3.Go to this link:https://secure.fundsupermart.com/fsm/new-to-fsm/parking-facility/making-payments,scroll down to making payments and select the bank that you want to transfer the money from e.g DBS

4.Follow the instructions above,remember to key in your personal account number from FSM in the comments for Recipient

5.After transferring,you have to typically wait from 30 mins to an hr for the balance to be reflected in your FSM Account holdings

Step 2)Time to buy some stock!

6.Click stocks then Live trading(red box)

7.You will be brought to the below page,key in the stock code that you would like to purchase e.g S08 SINGPOST (red box)

9.After clicking buy,the order form will appear,key in the the quantity of the stock that you would like to purchase

I am pretty sure everyone who has follow my blog are now familar with the various term,but nevertheless here are some key term

The terms are taken from this post, a while back,some important terms are...

Last done

• Last action-how much was this share bought or sold for

Bid

• Bid-how much someone is willing to pay for the share(Someone want to buy the share at a price of 0.9350)

Offer or Ask

•  Ask is the price a seller is willing to sell the share(someone want to sell his his share at a price of 0.9400)

Bid vol

• Bid qty,someone make a bid to buy 683,800 shares at 0.9350 for each share

Offer or Ask vol

• Offer vol is someone selling his 760,400 shares at 0.9400 for each share

*As taken from here: When a market is experiencing more buying volume than selling volume, it means that there are more traders buying at the ask price, which has a tendency to push the price up.

When a market is experiencing more selling volume than buying volume, it means that there are more traders selling at the bid price, which has a tendency to push the price down.

Chg or change:

• For a stock or bond quote, change is the difference between the current price and the last trade of the previous day

Day High:

• Today highest price for the stock so far

Day Low:

• Today lowest price for the stock so far

Order quantity:

• I have key in 100 shares
  SGX(lot size)=100 shares

Order type:

• The below chart does a good job of explaining the various order type
• Market order-Buy or sell at the current Ask price(Order get filled immediately)
• Limit order-Buy or sell at a specific price(Order filled depend on the price you key in, will explain later in the post)
• Always choose Limit order!!!

Order consideration

• (Quantity x Price ) + SGX Fees and charges

10) Click preview order,the comfirm form will appear

                                     

Stock name:

• Stock code as the name implies, SPDR STI ETF(ES3)

A/C :

• should have been auto fill

Action:

• Click buy to buy stocks and click if you are selling the stock

Order type

• As explained above,limit order

Validity(until):

• A Day order is a limit order good for that business day only. If the order is not filled by the end of the trading day, the order will expire. 
• This is the order we are going for, for simplicity sake.

Order quantity:

• I have key in 100 shares
• SGX(lot size)=100 shares

Order price:

• The price that i want to buy the shares at,0.9400

Estimated Fee

• Total :$10.74
• Order value(100%)=$94.00
• SGX trading fee(0.0075%)=$0.024555
• Clearing fee(0.0325%)=$0.106405
• GST is 7% of Comission + Clearing fee + SGX trading fee 
• GST=$0.7091672
• Hence,estimated fee= $10 + 0.024555 + 0.106406 + 0.7091672=$10.74
• Do refer to DBS vickers post if still unsure

Pretty easy right?Do watch out for my next post,thanks for reading!

[Post 96] Learning investing/trading together part 21:How to purchase a stock?(Standard chartered) part 2

Continue from the last Learning investing/trading together post ...

Some key term to note...

Trading A/C No:

• should have been auto fill

Counter code:

• Stock code as the name implies, SPDR STI ETF(ES3)

Action:

• Click buy to buy stocks and click if you are selling the stock

Order quantity:

• 100=SGX( 1 lot size)

Buy order price:

• The price that i want to buy the shares at

Order value:

• Order quantity x Buy order price

Order type:

• The below chart does a good job of explaining the various order type
• Market order-Buy or sell at the current Ask price(Order get filled immediately)
• Limit order-Buy or sell at a specific price(Order filled depend on the price you key in, will explain later in the post)
• Always choose Limit order!!!

Valid for(until):

• A Day order is a limit order good for that business day only. If the order is not filled by the end of the trading day, the order will expire. 
• This is the order we are going for, for simplicity sake.

Settlement amount:

• The settlement account should be fixed

9)Key in order quantity

I have key in 100 shares
SGX(lot size)=100 shares

10)Key in the Buy order price

The price that I would like to bid:$3.274

You may ask why $3.274?

Remember the offer from the last post,which states 3.275?

• What i am doing here is trying to bid lower at 3.275 by putting the bid price at $3.274 but... this may not get my order to fulfill instantly and my order will be added to the queue
• This is like trying to bargain with a shop seller at a market to buy an item(e.g fish) which is stated as selling for $3.275, but you want to buy it cheaper at $3.274

Can you bid at 3.275 or higher?

• Yes, you can put the bid price at $3.275 or higher(Note: this will get your order fill instantly because you are purchasing the stock at the selling price(Ask or Offer))
• This is just like buying an item (e.g fish) at a stated price from the shop seller at the market without any question asked, you hand over your money and off you go

What does it mean by having my order added to the queue?

• Since there is no seller willing to sell(ask) at the price you want(bid), your order is added to a queue
• A queue is like a database where they store everybody offer whose order is not filled, the order is more likely to fill quickly if you key in the price nearer to their Ask price(selling price)

11)Click the submit button after keying in,you will be shown the confirmation form below 

A few more key term to note...

Order Value

• $327.40

Total Fees

• I mentioned before in my post a few ago about the standard commission
• Currently, the brokerage fee for DBS cash upfront account is 0.18%, min SGD10

Clearing fee

• Not shown,refer to DBS vickers post
• Total Contract Value(100%)=$327.40
• Clearing fee(0.0325%)=$0.106405

SGX trading fee

• Not shown,refer to DBS vickers post
• Total Contract Value(100%)=$327.40
• SGX trading fee(0.0075%)=$0.024555

GST

• Not shown,refer to DBS vickers post 
• GST is 7% of Comission + Clearing fee + SGX trading fee 
• GST=7%(the magic number)
• Commission + Clearing fee + SGX trading fee =100%
• $10.00 + $0.106405+ $0.024555=100%
• 100%=$10.13096
• GST=$0.7091672

Total Fees

• Not shown,but you can calculate from the above figures
• Commission + Clearing fee + SGX trading fee + GST=Total Comission and fees
• $10.00 + $0.106405 + $0.024555 + $0.7091672= $10.8401272
• Total Comission and fee = $10.84

Total amount

• Order Value + Total Fees =Total amount
• $327.40 + $10.84 = $338.24
• Indicative total proceed=$338.24

*Do note that all live prices have a ten minute delay,if you would like updated live price,i you have to call up standard chartered to arrange for it,you will have to pay extra cash for it though:)

I will not proceed with the next step as it means that I have purchased a stock. Hope you all learn something from my post, do watch out for my next post:)

[Post 95] Learning investing/trading together part 20:How to purchase a stock?(Standard chartered)

Learning investing/trading together part 20:How to purchase a stock?(Standard chartered)

I mentioned before that i am currently using DBS vickers and Standard chartered as my brokerage.Recently, I have also sign up for FundSuperMart due to the low fees of 0.08% or a minimum of $10(but that's a story for another day)

This post will be on how to purchase stock with standard chartered.

So,why choose standard chartered as a brokerage?

• Brokerage charges for standard chartered online and mobile trades:0.20%, min $10
• 0.20%/100=0.002
• $10/0.002=$5000
• The minimum amount that one should invest in each trade should be more than $5,000
• The purchasing power will be updated immediately after you sell your stock!

How to set up a standard chartered account?

1. Head down to the nearest standard chartered bank branch 
2. Open up an saving account(For more information about the various saving account you can open with standard chartered,please refer to this link,Personally,i opened a E saver account where it require a min deposit amount of $1000)
3. Do open an securities settlement account with different currency(US,JPY) to have to option to invest in other countries market at no extra charge,specifically tell them you are opening an account to invest

 Onto the step by step guide on how to purchase a stock via standard chartered!

Step 1)Transfer money into your standard chartered account

How much to transfer? 

• Well, it depends on how much your budget to purchase those stock and whether you have enough in your bank
• Currently, the Brokerage charges for standard chartered online and mobile trades:0.20%, min $10
• DBS cash upfront charges 0.12% or minimum $10
• FSM charges 0.08% or minimum $10
• if you are investing up to $5,000, you can either use DBS Vickers or SCB or FSM.
• If you are investing above $5,000 and up to $8,333.34, use either DBS Vickers Cash Upfront or FSM.
• If you are investing above $8,888.34, use FSM.
• ***Note: You can invest in any amount you like it need not be $5,000, in my personal case I use either $3000 or $5000 or $7000

So you have decided the amount? What's next?

• Transfer the money, of course!

1. Log in to standard charted bank account,you reach the below page

2.Transfer Fund from your E$aver A/C to your SECURITIES SETTLEMENT ACCOUNT by clicking Transfer Fund(Red box)

3.Click Between Own Account

4.You will be asked to authenticate your account,after authenticating you will be brought to the transfer between own account page

Transfer to: Local Own Account

Account to be Transferred to: E$Aver A/C

Account to be Transferred from:SECURITIES SETTLEMENT ACCOUNT

Currency and Amount:SGD ,any amount that your wish to transfer(e.g 5000.00)

Description: None

5.Check the detail and click confirm(black box)

Step 2)Time to buy some stock!

6)Click MENU then click Online Trading

7.You will then be brought to the below page,the place order is at the right side of the page

8.Key in the counter code(e.g ES3) and Scroll down to check the detail of the bid and ask price

So, in my case I enter in the code: ES3(STI ETF)*Take note, this is different from the other STI ETF that you purchase with POSB invest saver(For more information about the difference between the two ETF, read here)

The terms are taken from this post, a while back,some important terms are...

Last

• Last action-how much was this share bought or sold for

Bid

• Bid-how much someone is willing to pay for the share(Someone want to buy the share at a price of 3.267)

Offer or Ask

•  Ask is the price a seller is willing to sell the share(someone want to sell his his share at a price of 3.275)

Bid qty

• Bid qty,someone make a bid to buy 100 shares at 3.267 for each share

Offer or Ask qty

• Offer vol is someone selling his 3200 shares at 3.275 for each share

*As taken from here: When a market is experiencing more buying volume than selling volume, it means that there are more traders buying at the ask price, which has a tendency to push the price up.

When a market is experiencing more selling volume than buying volume, it means that there are more traders selling at the bid price, which has a tendency to push the price down.

Chg or change

• For a stock or bond quote, change is the difference between the current price and the last trade of the previous day

Day High

• Today highest price for the stock so far

Day Low

• Today lowest price for the stock so far

Will continue at the next Learning investing/trading together post!

[Post 94] Learning investing/trading together part 19:How to determine whether to invest or trade a company using SGX stock screener

How to determine whether to invest or trade a company using SGX stockscreener?

In my previous post on Learning investing/trading together,I mention on using the SGX stock screener to determine whether to invest/trade a company using SGX stockscreener.

Why use SGX stock screener?

• Computer will perform the calculation of the financial ratios,save time on our part(not many of us has the luxury of looking through financial statement of companies all day long,that is if reading the financial statement doesn't bored us!)
• One stop platform to get the financial ratios of a particular SGX company

So,let begin using SGX stock screener (Note:I will be using Singpost (S08 as  a example)

1.Go to Stock screener website,you will be brought to the below page

2.Click on the search stock to type the company you want to search( In this case,I can either type Singpost or its stock code S08

3.In my case,I type singpost, and its show 1 result for singpost

4.Scroll down and click on singpost

5.Scroll down and Click on the tab financial to see the financial ratio

6.Scroll down to get company information

7. Determine the financial ratio to evaluate a company 

Everyone has a different set of financial ratios they use to evaluate a company,in my case i will generally use these few financial ratios,below are the recap of financial ratio from the previous post

Price/book ratio

• It measures the company's market price to its book value. Book Value represents the total amount that would be left over after the company sell off its assets and repaid all of its liabilities
• Low PB ratio may mean the company is undervalued. The PB ratio is used to evaluate the assets of each company such as property companies.
• Ideal Range:Any value under 1.0 is considered a good P/B value, indicating a potentially undervalued stock.

Price/Earning ratio

• It measures the share price relative to the company's earnings. A higher PE means investors are expecting better future earning or growth
• High PE=20 and above
• Average PE=11 to 20
• Low PE=1 to 10
• Average Market PE=15
• Ideal Range=It is better to buy a stock with lower PE ratio assuming all things being equal
• As the stock price goes up, the P/E ratio goes up
• As the stock price goes down, the P/E ratio goes down
• As a company’s earnings go up, the P/E ratio goes down
• As a company’s earnings go down, the The P/E ratio always equals the number of years it would take in earnings per share to equal the current price of the stock. So if the ratio is 20, it would take 20 years of current earnings to equal the current price of the stock.P/E ratio goes up
• Compare within the same industry

Current Ratio

• A simple ratio of current asset divide by current liabilities
• Current liabilities are debt that need to clear in the short term(in a year)
• If a company has a current ratio less then 1.0, do not invest in it
• If a company has a current ratio more then 2.0, May consider investing in it
• The higher the current ratio, the better

Quick ratio

• Quick ratio is used to determine if the company has enough short term assets to sell to cover its current liabilities(debt)
• The quick ratio is almost similar to current ratio except that it is assumed that the company does not sell its inventories(e.g Toyota inventory is its car) or stock, it is still able to fulfill its debt
• If the company has a quick ratio of 0.75 and below, do not invest in it
• If the company has a quick ratio of 1.25 and above, May consider investing in it
• The higher the quick ratio the better

Debt to equity

• This is an important ratio and it will determine if you are evaluating a highly gear company. Companies with high borrowing are subjected to higher risk than companies with no or low debt. Investors would look at this ratio to determine the company's ability to repay its debt
• It measures the total liabilities to total shareholder equity. A higher ratio could mean the company is higher financed by debt
• Ideal Range: 2.0 or less

Earning Per share

• It measures how profitable a company is on a shareholder basis. The higher the EPS,the more profitable the company is
• When earnings per share is negative, it means the company is losing money. 
• Ideal range: Go for consistent and stable or growing EPS.

For Price/Book and Price/earning ratio,click on Valuation tab

Price /Book ratio remark for Singpost(S08)

• Singpost Price/Book value is at 1.353, 
• Ideal Range of Price:Any value under 1.0 is considered a good P/B value, indicating a potentially undervalued stock.
• Since it is above 1,hence you can either consider it as a slightly expensive stock
• A red flag!

Price/Earning ratio remark for Singpost(S08)

• Singpost Price/Earning ratio:263.857
• Crazy Price/Earning ratio,Consider to be high
• The P/E ratio always equals the number of years it would take in earnings per share to equal the current price of the stock. So if the ratio is 20, it would take 20 years of current earnings to equal the current price of the stock.P/E ratio goes up
• To put it simply,Do you think singpost can increase its share price x 200?I think not
• Definitely a red flag!!

For current ratio,quick ratio, debt/equity ratio,EPS 5 yr growth,click on financial tab

Current ratio remark for Singpost(S08)

• Singpost current ratio:0.806
• If a company has a current ratio less then 1.0, do not invest in it
• If a company has a current ratio more then 2.0, May consider investing in it
• The higher the current ratio, the better
• current ratio not above 2.0,avoid it!
• Another red flag!

Quick ratio remark for Singpost(S08)

• Singpost quick ratio:0.805
• If the company has a quick ratio of 0.75 and below, do not invest in it
• If the company has a quick ratio of 1.25 and above, May consider investing in it
• The higher the quick ratio the better
• Quick ratio is not above 1.25
• Another red flag!

Long term debt/equity remark for Singpost(S08)

• Singpost debt/equity ratio:0.56
• It measures the total liabilities to total shareholder equity. A higher ratio could mean the company is higher financed by debt
• Ideal Range: 2.0 or less
• Debt/equity ratio is 0.55,which is less than 2.0
• Finally, a good indicator !

Eps five year growth remark for Singpost(S08)

• Singpost EPS five year growth: -38.122
• When earnings per share is negative, it means the company is losing money. 
• Another red flag!

Conclusion

The six financial ratio i used to evaluate singpost are: Price/Book ,Price/earning ratio, current ratio,quick ratio, debt/equity ratio,EPS 5 year growth

As you can see above,only one out of all the six financial ratio criteria i used to evaluate signpost is met,hence singpost is not a good buy.

One last note: Different people may used different financial ratio to evaluate a company,there is really no fix formula for evaluating a company ,hence always dyodd!(do your own due diligence) 

[Post 93]Learning investing/trading together part 18:How to read financial statements and financial ratio part 3

Continue on from the last post here...

3.Debt

Debt to equity

• This is an important ratio and it will determine if you are evaluating a highly gear company. Companies with high borrowing are subjected to higher risk than companies with no or low debt. Investors would look at this ratio to determine the company's ability to repay its debt
• It measures the total liabilities to total shareholder equity. A higher ratio could mean the company is higher financed by debt
• Ideal Range: 2.0 or less

Debt to Net Profit

• Debt to Net Profit=Total Debt/Net Profit
• It measures the company's debt to its net profit
• Ideal range:3.0 or less

Debt to Cash Flow

• Debt to Cash Flow=Total Debt/Operating Cash Flow
• It measures the company's debt to its operating cash flow.It is an indication of the company's ability to cover its total debt with its annual operating cash flow
• Ideal range: 3.0 or less

Interest Cover

• It measures the company's ability to pay the interest expenses with sales
• Ideal Range:1.5 or more

Net Gearing

• Net Gearing =(Total Debt - Cash)/Shareholder Equity
• It measures the company's debt to its shareholder equity, The higher the ratio, the more debt and risk the company has
• Ideal Range:0.5 or less

4.Efficiency

Inventory Turnover 

• Inventory Turnover= Inventory/(Costs of Good sold x 365 days)
• It measures how many days it takes to sell the inventory
• Ideal Range: The lower the number of days the better

Creditors

• It indicates how many days the company takes to pay its creditor
• Ideal Range: The higher number of days is ideal as the company can roll its cash flow but it also means that the company has cash flow problems and cannot pay off its debt

Debtors

• It indicates how many days it takes the company to collect its debt from its debtors
• Ideal Range: The lower the number of days the better

Others

Earning Per share

• It measures how profitable a company is on a shareholder basis. The higher the EPS,the more profitable the company is
• When earnings per share is negative, it means the company is losing money. 
• Ideal range: Go for consistent and stable or growing EPS.

Dividend Yield

• It measures how much dividend the company is paying out compared to stock price.
• Ideal Range: Go for consistent dividends in the range of 5% to 8%

Price to Earnings(PE)

• It measures the share price relative to the company's earnings. A higher PE means investors are expecting better future earning or growth
• High PE=20 and above
• Average PE=11 to 20
• Low PE=1 to 10
• Average Market PE=15
• Ideal Range=It is better to buy a stock with lower PE ratio assuming all things being equal
• As the stock price goes up, the P/E ratio goes up
• As the stock price goes down, the P/E ratio goes down
• As a company’s earnings go up, the P/E ratio goes down
• As a company’s earnings go down, the The P/E ratio always equals the number of years it would take in earnings per share to equal the current price of the stock. So if the ratio is 20, it would take 20 years of current earnings to equal the current price of the stock.P/E ratio goes up
• Compare within the same industry

Price to Book(PB) 

• It measures the company's market price to its book value. Book Value represents the total amount that would be left over after the company sell off its assets and repaid all of its liabilities
• Ideal Range: Low PB ratio may mean the company is undervalued. The PB ratio is used to evaluate the assets of each company such as property companies.

Price to Earnings Growth(PEG)

*Expected EPS growth is also known as Annual EPS growth

• It measures the company's value to the company future growth
• A lower PEG may mean the stock is undervalued
• Ideal Range:0.5 or less

Free Cash Flow Ratio

• It measures how much free cash the company can generate after deducting the company's capital expenditures
• Ideal Range:6% or above

Margin of Safety

• V= Intrinsic Value, P=Current Share Price
• It is the amount in which the company's shares are trading below the intrinsic value, which is expressed in percentage
• Ideal Range: A higher margin of safety means there is greater protection for an investor if the share price falls due to falling revenue
• The general rule of thumb for Margin of Safety
• 50% Margin of Safety means the stock is undervalued
• 0% Margin of Safety means the stock is trading at fair value
• -50% Margin of safety means the stock is overvalued

Understanding financial ratios is a key skill for any investor. Financial ratios illustrate the strength and weakness of a business

While an investor can use financial ratios to evaluate how the business is performing over time, there are certain important points that investors must take note of:

1. Compare the financial ratio within the same industry. This is very important. For example, a different ratio is used to evaluate a food and beverage company compared to an asset-based company

2. Inflation can badly affect or distort the figures in the financial statement, which in turn is reflected in the ratio

3. Using financial ratio to assess the company is not good enough, the company's management also must be looked

4. The company can doctor its accounts to make its accounting attractive, which will affect the valuation of the financial ratios.

Hope you enjoy reading through these few post as financial statement do bore the sh*t out of many people(Including me!).

That''s all for How to read financial statement and financial ratio!