Personally, I went to AFA (Anime Festival Asia) on a yearly basis except last year ,because nothing was of interest to me
Decided to go this year because of the great Anisong lineup on Fri(Fhana ,TRUE, Uchida Maaya, and Scandal) ,arrived at Suntec around 3pm (My first Anisong concert!)
Wanted to save the booking fee by purchasing on on-site ticket,but alias the booking fee was still included($103.00 ,very expensive!)
Below are some of the exhibition photo,for those who are veterans of AFA,the AFA exhibition is mostly the same year-on-year basis
Merchandise were pretty much all the famous anime e.g Kimetsu No Yaiba, sword online etc
(The crowd in the pictures below says it all,squeezy!!)
1)Greeted at the entrance by RX-78-2 Gundam
2)AKIBA stage
3)The queue at MUSE(anime merchandise store)
AFA merchandise are pretty marked up!(word of advice:buy anime merchandise outside of such convention unless its an item that is exclusive to AFA)
4)People try out new boku no hero(not pico,guys!) game
5)Back at AKIBA stage with DEAR KISS performing!(you would normally find me at hanging out at AKIBA stage most of the time!)
6) Spend the remaining of my time trying out the various trading card games to get free pack and card!(battle sprit and Yu-Gi-Oh)
Basically, people who go AFA can be divided into 4 categories:
1.The Anisong concert attendee
2.The first timer(those who want to experience AFA once)
3.The buying frenzy(never understand why they do that, most AFA anime merchandise are marked up!)
4.the stage goer and wota(The wotagei who know every anisong and fan chant ,and is always arm with lightstick)
The best part of the AKIBA stage is the DJ playing anisong,although if you're not familar with anisong,you'll still have a great time because of the crowd's enthusiasm
And what's AFA without some cosplay pics...
And finally, the most exiting part of the day ,the anisong concert!
No picture or video to be taken during the event(god knows why they had to set up those recording equipment
The artiste lineup is as follows(Fhana, Uchida Maaya ,TRUE ,Scandal)
Brief description of Fhana (courtesy from Wikipedia): Fhana is a four member Japanese pop band that formed in 2012 as an indie band. .Fhána originally formed with Jun'ichi Satō, Yuxuki Waga, and Kevin Mitsunaga, all three of whom had previously been active in separate independent bands. Fhána did not have a fixed vocalist at first, instead employing guest vocalists to sing the band's songs.Towana later joined Fhána as the official vocalist
Some picture of Fhana from AFA facebok(mostly Towana)...
Fhana setlist as below
I was a bit disappointed that Fhana setlist did not include moon river and hello my world!
Aozora no rhapsody was of course the highlight(chu chu yeah!!),Boku no Mitsukete ,Niji no Ametara and Hoshizuku no interlude is one of my favorites from fhana too
About 5 mins into the concert, i notice that the person left and right wasn't very enthu, and it did kinda pissed me off a little ,hahaha(i suppose most people came to see scandal only)
2 song i recommend from Fhana!
1.Boku no mitsukete
2. Moon river
TRUE is one of my favorite solo singers (she's also very pretty!)
TRUE setlist as below
Again, a slight disappointment that TRUE setlist did not include divine spell, which is my second most favorite song from her, it would have been a definite uplifting concert tune.
The highlight for me was when she sang STEEL-Tekketsu no Kizuna-, which in my opinion is her best song
2 song i recommend from TRUE!
1.STEEL -Tekketsu no Kizuna-
2.Divine Spell
Uchida Mayaa is my favorite Voice actress(and no offense i think she is one of the most prettiest va around)
Mayaa setlist as below
A little surprised that she sang cosmos given that it wasn't any anime song,(but its my favourite song from her ,so no complain!:D)
Karappo capsule was probably the period when i start to lose my voice due to all the shouting and it wasn't even Scandal yet!(hahaha)
Another slightly pissed off moment was when Mayaa segment was about to start and someone said "Mayaa who?"(hahaha)
2 song i recommend from Mayaa!
1. C.O.S.M.O.S
2.Youthful beautiful
And finally the highlight of the concert: Scandal!
Scandal setlist
The audience was pretty wild when they begin their segment with "masterpiece" which is not an anisong and latest single at that time.
Most people know Scandal through their anisong in bleach, so it was really fun to hear them belting out old anisong favorite such as Shoujo S ,Harukaze and Shunkan Sentimental
Scandal also belt out a new song from their album "kiss from the darkness", A.M.D.K.J ,which apparently is the first time it is being play live(a good treat to the fans,i must say!)
2 Song i recommend from Scandal!
1.Masterpiece
2.Yoake no Ryuuseigun
Would have love to go for JUNNA on Saturday but then it would be a waste of money as i do not listen to the other Saturday artist song though
Great respect for those who spend the money to watch only one segment performance!
All in all, AFA exhibition get only an okay for me as the exhibition is same old, same old. But the Anisong concert make the experience ten times better(and probably 10 times more expensive also!)
Valuation model Discounted cash flow model
Company Name:Singapore O&G(Listed on SGX)
Market cap: 188.337
Last Done:0.395
Free cash flow per share:0.02764
Intrinsic value:0.326
Company Name:Raffles Medical(Local Peer SGX)
Market cap :1,882.653
Last Done:1.030
Free cash flow per share:0.03504
Intrinsic Value:0.414
Company Name: TalkMed(Local Peer SGX)
Market cap:657.251
Last Done:0.500
Free cash flow per share:0.01989
Intrinsic Value:0.235
Discounted Earning Model
Company Name: Singapore O&G(Listed on SGX)
Market Cap: 188.337
Last Done:0.395
Earnings Per Share:0.01919
Intrinsic value:0.227
Company Name:Raffles Medical( Local Peer SGX)
Market Cap:1,882,653
Last Done: 1.030
Earnings Per Share:0.03887
Intrinsic Value:0.459
Company Name:Talkmed(Local Peer SGX)
Market Cap:657.251
Last Done:0.500
Earnings Per Share:0.02199
Intrinsic Value:0.260
Financial Analysis Strong Financial Results Last 3 Years
It has increasing revenue increase in last 3 consecutive years
The company has strong financial strength(Piotroski F-score 8-9)
It has good cash ratio of at least 0.8 for 3 consecutive years and no debt as net cash
It has consistently high profit margin of at least 40% for 3 years
It has consistent high net profit of at least 20% for last 3 years
ROA(Return of asset) is above 10% for 3 consecutive years
Compound Annual Growth Rare(CAGR)
Notes:
1.CAGR calculation are based on Full year financial results announcements over the past few years
2.CAGR calculation will not be made if any of the Full Year Financial are not based on 12 months
3.Adjusted CAGR calculations takes into account effects of applicable corporate action(e.g stock splits and consolidation) and the current number of shares
Revenue
Over the last 3 year:+28.22%
Net earnings
Over the last 3 year:+19.65%
Earning Per Share(EPS)- Historical
Over the last 3 year:-10.43%
Earning Per Share(Adjusted)
Over the last 3 year:+19.65%
Dividend Per Share(DPS) -Historical
Over the last 3 year:-5.74%
Dividend Per Share(DPS)- Adjusted
Over the last 3 year:+22.35%
Technical Overview below
Investment Summary
Evaluation
Summary
The company has strong financial strength,no debt,high profit margin and in a recession proof industry
Based on Lyn's Research Technical chart also indicate a BUY for this stock(BULLISH)
Based on Discounted Cash Flow model(DCF) and Discounted Earning Model(DCM),it is trading at a discount in terns of its intrinsic value as compared to its peer Talk Med and Raffle Hospital
Singapore O&G is lagging behind the market due to uncertainties regarding the healthcare industry due to rising trade war tension between US and China,leading to less medical tourist.This seems to put this stock in what we call a special situation: a potentially undervalued stock due to great concerns regarding its future earnings.Also a recession may happen in Singapore within the next 2 years ,hence we like it as an investment in a well-diversified portfolio,as it could yield an asymmetric return in a relatively short period of time
Strong BUY
(Quite an interesting presentation i must say, next up i have an presentation on stock pitch kimly,but it seem i have only one picture,somehow the other pictures were lost)
Thesis
PE ratio 13.8 is relatively cheap
Dividend yield of 5.37% is relatively good
Balance sheet relatively strong
Weighing the risk and reward,recommend a buy/long position for Kimly at $0.235
For conservative investors,recommend a buy/long position at $0.210(10% margin of safety based on $0.235)
Other interesting brochures that i have collected during the event...
What is a CFD?
A contact for Difference(CFD) is a tradable instrument that mirror the movement of the underlying asset.It allow traders to take advantage of the asset price movement without physical ownership
CFD Benefits
CFDs add a greater flexibility to traders in their trading strategies.In addition to trading long position as traditional stock investors. CFD traders have the options to take on short position.Hence,gain can potentially made in both bull or bear market
CFD provide the ability to hedge an existing physical portfolio
No expiry mean no time delay
Access a wide range of global markets and trade multi assets thorough a single online CFD trading account
Efficient use of traders capital
CFD provide leverage to traders so that they can trade without the need of depositing the full value of a position.This allows traders to utilize excess capital more efficiently rather than being committed to one transaction
Dividend Portfolio
Dividend investing is an investment strategy which focus on purchasing dividend paying stocks or REITS to generate a steady stream of passive income
Metrics to screen for Dividend Stocks/REITS
Dividend Yield > 4%
Dividend Pay-out Ratio < 1x
Net Debt to Equity <0.5x
CAGR of DPU >2% for past 3 year
Total Debt to Total Assets < 0.4x (for REITs and Trusts)
Dividend is most suitable for investors with the below characteristic:
1.Low-Moderate Risk Tolerance Level
2. Long investment Horizon
3.Low Effort & Time & Portfolio Monitoring
Growth Portfolio
Growth investing aims to identify companies that have promising future growth potential,even if they have high valuation ratio
Metrics to screen for Growth Stocks
Revenue Growth >15% for past 3 years
Gross Margins > 25% for past 3 years
Price Upside from Analyst Consensus Estimates > 20%
Growth investing is most suitable for investors with the below characteristics
1.High Risk Tolerance Level
2.Long Investment Horizon
3.Moderate Effort & Time for Portfolio Monitoring
Value Portfolio
Value investing focuses on buying companies for less than what they are worth (margin of safety),and then selling them when they approach their actual value (Intrinsic value)
Metrics to screen for undervalued Stocks
Compounded Earnings Growth > 10% for past 3 years
Return Equity > 10% for past 1 year
Net Debt to Equity < 1x
Trailing P/E Ratio < 15x
Value Investing is most suitable for investors with the below characteristics:
1.Moderate Risk Tolerance Level
2.Moderate-Long Investment Horizon
3.Moderate & time for Portfolio Monitoring
Trend Following Portfolio
Trend Following is a technical analysis approach that detect stocks in the initial stage of a trend and aims to ride on the trend for big profit
Metrics to screen for Trend Following Stocks
RSI (n =20) > 50 FOR 1 day
ADX Trend( N=20) above 25 for 1 day
Bullish ADX + DI > -DI(N =20)
Price >MA50 for 1 day
Trend Following is most suitable for investors with the below characteristics:
1.High Risk Tolerance Level
2.Short Investment Horizon
3.High Effort & Time for Portfolio Monitoring
SGX Investor Resources
Be empowered by SGX's suite of investor resources.Designed and developed for all investments,from novices to professionals,we provide you the tools and technique to achieved informed investment decisions Research- sgx.com/mygateway
Stay in touch with Singapore stock market with weekly curation of market news and investor education events
On-the-go- SGX Mobile App
Get first-hand news with live market updates on your customised watchlists through SGX Mobile App
Tool - sgx.com/stockfacts
Plug into SGX Stockfacts to access the stock fundamentals on all SGX-listed companies
Education - sgx.com/academy
Sharpen your investment acumen at SGX Academy with our team of professional trainers
That's basically sums up the brochure and the event,all in all a great convention to go full of like-minded people.Looking forward to the FSM invest EXPO 2020!
Well, I haven't been to invest fair for ages(not since 2016 anyway, haha). So I thought, I will pop down to it this year.
This year invest fair is situated at Suntec conventional center, the last time I went was outside Ngee ann city, compare to that Suntec seem like a better choice
I did not take many pictures about the event areas(but I did took many brochures though)
Basically, this is what is did...
1. Walk around the whole exhibition
2.Sign up for the LIM&TAN securities(why?: Because DBS no longer give company report)
3.Sign up for CIMB (Why?: Also for the company report)
4. Sign up for a SAXO account(why?: After researching, I deem it to be one of the best brokerages to buy US stock, oh I got an umbrella also as a free gift! who doesn't love a free gift?)
5. Listen to the stock pitch
Here are some pictures taken during the stock pitch from investingnote top member(Lim Guang sheng and lynlyn)
The stock that they are promoting is Singapore O&G(stock code:1D8)
As of 31 December 2018, the Group has a total of 14 medical specialist medical practitioners, across four business segment -O&G, Cancer-related, Dermatology, and Pediatricians, comprising :
-Six O&G Specialists
-Three Cancer Specialists: One Gynae-Oncologist and two breasts and General Surgeons
-Two Dermatologists
-Three Pediatricians
SOG was listed on the Catalyst board of the Singapore Exchange Securities Trading limited
since 4 June 2015
Company Overview: OVERALL GROWTH
Business Strategy
Progressive approach
Recruit more O&G Specialists to enlarge the core O&G segment of the group
Build up patient load for Pediatrics segment
Increase the level of inter-clinic referrals through synergy awareness
Continue to grow non O&G business segment to increase revenue and profit
Overseas strategy
Look out for overseas opportunities, especially in an area where are not just financial but also, the humanitarian and other ancillary perspectives
INVESTMENT THESIS
Singapore O&G ability to future market growth, based on the well-established track record on Primary and Secondary healthcare for Women and Children create an optimistic investment that has been undervalued in the market
(Some of you may be curious and check, as of now Singapore O&G is $0.29 Date:25/11/2019, this is within expectation as after the stock pitch I went up to them and ask whether the O&G stock price will drop due to Singapore recession, they did confirm it, so don't blast them for their inaccurate information)
Risk
Company is dependent on its continued ability to retain its key management personnel and specialist medical practitioners
Singapore O&G is exposed to risks in respect of outbreaks especially Zika virus
CATALYSTS
Growing number of cancer-related problems for women
Singapore's healthcare system has gained international recognition for its efficiency and coverage with all citizens and permanent residents enjoying coverage by Medishield Life for basic medical coverage
INDUSTRY ANALYSIS
OVERALL HEALTHCARE
Healthcare is a recession-proof industry. The below data point to a probable recession in Singapore.Defensive stock amid economic uncertainty for 2020
Asia's overall healthcare spending is projected to surge to US$2.27t by 2026 from the US $1.69t in 2017, driven by higher healthcare cost, the rising incidence of chronic diseases, a burgeoning middle class and an overall shift in the age
Porter' FIVE FORCES ANALYSIS
New Entrants(Low-Medium)
High startup costs and the industry is extremely capital intensive and need medical specialists to run create barrier to entry to this healthcare industry in Singapore
Substitutes(Low)
The primary substitute is the government hospital. People come to private healthcare for better performance and service hence threat is low
Supplier Bargaining(MEDIUM-HIGH)
Medical specialists, healthcare staff, and medical equipment are needed to support Singapore's O&G healthcare services. Specialists with experience are hard to be replaced
Buyer Bargaining (MEDIUM)
Demand for women and children private healthcare service is increasing and patients visit Singapore O&G for their healthcare service
Industry Rivalry (MEDIUM)
Compete solely based on reputation and good service to maintain market share and stay afloat
Industry analysis Strengths
A leading group of specialist medical practitioners, with a long and established track record in the Obstetrics and Gynecology
The balance sheet remains healthy with cash and cash equivalents at $25.1 million as at 31 March 2019 compared to $21.5 million as of 31 December 2018. The group has no borrowings as at 31 March 2019
Weakness
Operationally, expenses were higher in Q1 2019 compared to Q1 2028 due to a 21.5% increase in consumables and medical supplies used in procedures by all segments
Smaller market cap compared to peers
Opportunity
A growing number of cancer-related problem for women
Singapore healthcare system has gained international recognition for its efficiency and coverage with all citizens and permanent residents applying for coverage by Medishield Life for basic medical coverage
Threats
Dermatology segment registered s$0.3 million decline in revenue from Q1 2018 due to an increasingly competitive landscape for this segment
Private players were left to fight the remaining 22-23% of the market, the tertiary healthcare market in Singapore is monopolized by public hospital which snapped up 77.8% of admission in 2018
Industry analysis Weakness analysis There is some weakness in the Dermatology segment, however, but we are confident that the company has the ability to strengthen with the growth in anti-aging business as reported by some key players as reflected by table(Unfortunately, my picture wasn't clear enough)
Overall Growth
In 2018, despite a 1.3% decline in total live-births to 39.115 from 39.615 in 2017, Singaproe O&G segment registered 108 more birth in FY 2018, bringing the total number of babies delivered in FY 2018 to 1,824 as compared to 1,716 in FY 2017
With the growing demand for O&G services, Singapore O&G plans to further increase their specialist in FY 2019, which is a growing pie for this company to tap on
In Singapore, statistics have shown that cancer cases have been rising and breast cancer is top cancer affecting women. Our highly-trained cancer-related specialist provides an extensive range of breast care services, both medical and surgical to treat diseases of the breast and also educate our patient and their families to conduct regular self-examinations for early detection. In FY 2018, our cancer-related segment accounts for 15.3% of the group total revenue(Once again, apologize for poor photo taking)
Welcome back to another installment of 100 jokes,a GREAT MERRY CHRISTMAS to all! Some credit to the various forum which i won't name... 1)
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work long,hard hours.The blacksmith instructed the boy ,"when i take the horseshoe out of the anvil ,and when i nod my head,you hit it with this hammer The apprentice did just as he told now he is the only village blacksmith 2)
DINER:"waiter waiter!, what"s wrong with this fish" waiter :"Long time no sea,sir" geddit? 3) "Don"t do that ," i said when one of the first graders playfully draped a bank note across his eyes."money is full of germs." "Is it?" He asked. "Yes,it's very dirty" He thought about it a moment "Is that why they call people who have a lot of it "filthy rich?" 4) Jimmy had a trouble when to use I instead of me.Then one day,while creating a sentense in front of the first grade class,jimmy haltingly said ," i...i... shut the door" Realizing that he was right,he jump up and down and shouted ,"me did it!" 5)
My sixth grade would not leave alone for a single second .It was a constant stream of "ms osborn","ms osborn?",ms osborn?" Fed up,i said firmly ,"do you think we could go for five minutes without anyone calling ms Osborn ? The classroom got quiet,then from the back , a soft voice said,"...um cyndi?" 6)
The kids were painting a project for social studies and got some paint on the floor.Fearing that someone might slip,i asked a student to take care of it. A few minutes later,a piece of paper appeared on the floor with the words "caution - wet paint" 7) During a parent teacher conference , a mother insisted i shouldn't taken point of her daughter history assignments for calling her subject Henry 8 instead of Henry viii. "We have only regular numbers on our keyboard,she explain "no roman numeric" 8) When her child towel was stolen during a school swimming trip, an irate parent complain to a teacher ,"what kind of juvenile delinquents are in class with my child? !" "I am sure it was taken accidentally," the teacher explained ,"what does it look like? " "It's white ," said the parent ,"and it say a holiday INN on it" 9)
In a history class... Question:Name a famous explorer Answer:Dora who used to remember watching dora? 10) A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.” The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.” The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair…and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.” To this his father replied, “Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?” 11) Ah Beng bought a new car recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her and started bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"said ah beng "Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian. "Some more hor, this is Automatic one, very easy to drive!" So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!" So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Sorry, sorry, pai seh lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!" 12) The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children.
To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped. To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied. To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed. To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged. Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."
13) 3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian were at the army supply base to collect underwear. The sergeant was there to aid the supplies. Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah? Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)! Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many? Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear? Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen! Sergeant: (curious) How come six? Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei? Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!! Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for? Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one. 14) A gas station was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local guy pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his freesex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly,he would get his free sex. The guy then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same guy, along with a friend, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The guy guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the guy said to his friend, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." His friend replied, "No it ain't rigged my wife won twice last week!!" understand the gimmick? 15) A singaporean was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house.A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation. Malaysian: "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?" Singaporean: "Of course." Malaysian: "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore." The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence. Malaysian: "Do you eat the jam with the bread?" Singaporean: "Of course." Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them,transform them into jam,.....before we sell it across to Singapore." This time, the Singaporean retorted: "Do you have sex in Malaysia?" Malaysian: "Why, of course we do" Singaporean: "Do you wear protection" Malaysian: "Of course! We wear condoms." Singaporean: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Malaysian: "We throw them away, of course." Singaporean: "We don't. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia & folks that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore." There are quite a few variation of this jokes,but it always end up with the chewing gum 16) A little old lady went into the Bank of Singapore one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the Bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk, the president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, "Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked,"Bets? What kind of bets? "The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square! "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Singapore president's balls in my hand." 17) Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers." Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?" Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?" The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!" 18) A Mafia Godfather accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with one of his underling The Godfather asks the underling "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The underling does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 3 million dollars is. The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about. The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of his underling, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the underling, "He wants to know where it is!" The underling signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." Hahaha,i always love mafia jokes 19) A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to God. The man asked, "God, what's a million years to you?" And God said "A minute." Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million dollars to you?" And God said: "A penny" Then the man asked: "God.....can I have a penny?" And God said: "Sure.....in a minute." 20) An old couple always attended church. The husband, however, always fell asleep. The pastor had an idea: he would raise his hand in his sermons at the appropriate time, signalling to the wife to poke the husband with a pin. The service started and the husband fell asleep as usual. The pastor saw this and asked, "Who is our savior?", raising his hands. The wife poked the husband in the leg with the pin. The husband leapt and said "Jesus Christ!" and stayed awake for a few minutes. Soon he fell asleep again. Then the pastor asked, "Who should we praise every day?", raising his hands again. The wife poked him again. The husband leapt and said, "God!" and stayed awake for a few more minutes. Pleased that it is working out, the pastor continued with his sermon. He was so engrossed that he didn't notice that the man fell asleep once again. He asked the congregation "What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth to their 23rd child?", raising his hands in excitement. The wife took this as a signal to poke the husband. The husband shouted "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it into two and shove it up your ass!!" Perhaps,it isn't really appropriate for christmas,hahaha 21) An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You screw her again." 22) Q:Bread & Coffee which one noisier ? A:Breadtalk, because Kopitiam Finally,a joke i can use in everyday life! 23) Question: How much does a hipster weigh? Answer: An Instagram Another joke you can use when you see your friend using instagram! 24) Ah Lian wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop. Ah Lian: “You got colour TV or not ah?” Salesman: “Yes!” Ah Lian: “Okay, I want pink one.” 25) After reading the application form completed by Ah Beng: Interviewer: ” We have an… opening for you! ” Ah Beng: “What is it? ” Interviewer: “ The door!”. 26) An old man was lying critically ill in hospital, the doctor feared that he might not be able to leave past that night, so his family, all christian quickly ask their church priest to attend to that sickly old man for a prayer. He arrived soon after but the moment he stand beside the bed and pray, the old man who was sedated, soon experience breathing difficulty. The old man family broke down in tears and the priest continue to pray silent as they knew his time is up. That old man quickly took a pen and paper and scribble some notes to the father, The priest folded and kept the notes in his pocket without looking at it, "Since it is your last wishes I promised not to look at it. Rest assured, I will pass this to your family." The old man passed away and during his wake, the priest pass the note to his daughter saying, "Your father left some notes for you and his loved one, now i shall pass it back to you..." The old man's daughter unfold the note and its read: YOUR BLOODY ***HOLE! WHY ARE YOU STEPPING ON MY OXYGEN TANK???!!! 27) The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch ****. The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut." 27) is probably my most favourite joke in this post,hahaha 28) At the shrink's office... Doctor : "Do you look at your wife's face when you are having sex?" Me : "I did, once. And she looked very angry" Doctor "Oh, and why's that?" Me : "Because she is watching from the window outside the house..." 29) WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay 29) has definitely some wise words... 30) A little boy asked his father A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." And that is why you remain single so you can achieve FIRE(jus kidding!)31) There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?" "For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!" The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. "You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?" "Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too." 32) A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They’re getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!" The guy all surprised says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands". One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl says: ’Easy ... I didn’t feel a thing." sick burn.... 33) Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question." "Which is ...?" they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl. "Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still a virgin even after I got married." "Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden key." "Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl. "Oh,quite good" she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married." "Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver key." "Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl. "Oh no, not at all", she said. "I had sex with practically every guy I met, before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime." "Very good", said St.Peter. "Angel, give this girl....... my room key 34) Wife served breakfast to Husband. Along with that, she gave a tablet also and said : " Take this *Paracetamol* after breakfast." *Husband* : " Why ? I don't have fever." *Wife* : "OK, then take this *Digene* " *Husband* : "Come on ! I don't have even gastric trouble." *Wife* : " Ok, take at least *Pudeen Hara* You will have an immediate relief." *Husband* : "My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK." *Wife* : Oh, but you must take at least *Combiflame* Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time." *Husband* : " Are you crazy ? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden ? Thanks darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic." *Wife* : " Very good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also. 35) *Retiree Joke* Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, *Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents*. They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 Cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with thebartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a Dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, *They're retired Singaporeans, they're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price*. 36) Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life. "You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out." "Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?" "Yes child, why do you ask?" "Because the priests only give us candy!"
when you realise... 37) The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use `big people' words," she'd always remind them. She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words." She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo," he said. "No, you took a ride on a Train. Use big people words." She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie The Shit." 38) My wife asked me this morning, 'Whacha doing today?' I said, 'Nothing'. She said, 'That's what you did yesterday'. I said, 'I wasn't finished'. 39) A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he’d had fun. He told her he hadn’t. He said that after a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker. He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!" 40) Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense.... You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Direct Marketing. You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He’s fantastic in bed." That’s Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Telemarketing. You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." That’s Public Relations. You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed." That’s Brand Recognition. Now if only my marketing class was this interesting... 41) A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house." 42) Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said. "You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied. 42) There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's ok. God will take care of me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her "That's ok." The woman says "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me. Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God "You told me you would take care of me! What happened?" God replied "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?" 43) The reason I fired my secretary Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.” We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... naked 44) The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done,there were three finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can’t kill my wife." The agent said, "You don’t have what it takes, take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." 45) After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers,' a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." ohh..i like this burn too... 46) An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful young Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door, and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "Well, by hiding the young woman you placed the two of you in great danger. Two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?'' 46) is probably my second favourite joke in this post 47) Who is drunk???? The Five Stages Of Drunkeness Stage 1 - CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER. Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present. Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway. Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words. THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP Stage 1 - STUPID As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours. Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking. Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends. Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you. Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide. simple,dun't get drunk 48) A man, a woman, and a cop A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car. The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you. Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! (The man gives wife dirty look.) Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.) Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt! The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!" The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk." 49) Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, "How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, thestork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnnybhanded in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible tobwrite due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations." 50) A Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone." "Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" hahaha,part two will be up soon!
