Sunday 9 June 2019

[Post 91] Just For Laugh part 3: 100 Jokes From Singapore part 2

Continue on from last chill and relax post ..



51)
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our waiter came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses etc. had spoons in their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, “Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra Man-hours per shift.
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.
"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."
"How's that, I asked?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh . . ., selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "
Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use the spoon in my pocket"!


Phew….that was probably the longest joke I have….


52)
A young man and woman come to a doctor's office and say:
"Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?"
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table,the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sexproperly. That will be forty dollars."
They come back the next day with the same request, but this time  the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.


On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly."
The boy explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medisave


53)
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can stop using sign language. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he would be treated as well “Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist. “Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. “Tomorrow, we will start with 'B'"


More teacher joke...
54)
Substitute teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

55)
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, Sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

56)
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
John: I hope you didn't either

57)
John: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

58)
Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
John: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
John: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

59)
Ah Ming: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Ah Ming: Your signature on this report card.

60)
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

61)
Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Ah beng: You can't fool me Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

62)
Hygiene teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Ah lian: Don't bite any.

63)
Teacher: Ah swee, go to the map and find Singapore.
Ah swee: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered Singapore?
CLASS: Ah swee!

64)
Teacher: Why are you late, ah kow
Ah kow: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Ah kow: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

65)
Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables!

66)
Teacher: Xiao Ming, what is the chemical formula for water?
Xiao Ming: H I J K L M N O!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Xiao Ming: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

67)
Teacher: Xiao Ming, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Xiao Ming: Me!

68)
Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, ah beng, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Ah beng: Because George still had the axe in his hand

69)
Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

70)
There once was a very good old barber in New York.
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies:
"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Singaporean software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service."
The Singaporean software engineer is happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there?
Can you guess?
Come on, think like a Singaporean....
Have you got the answer?
A dozen Singaporeans waiting for a free haircut!

71)
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another*door, this one is made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Hahaha, probably one of my more favourite jokes

72)
A young soldier and his commanding officer board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young soldier are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks."
Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black.
There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap.When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.
The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: "I didn't know the young soldier was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him and slapped me instead!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking: I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother hadn't slapped him!"
The young soldier sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?"

73)
Young 13 years-old Jenny woke up one morning wondering about her age. Her grandparents have been staying at her house for a week, and so she went to her grandmother.
"Grandma?" said Jenny. "Yes dear?" replied her grandmother.
"How old am I?" asked Jenny. "Well, honey..." replied the grandmother, and after a few moments of thinking she answered - "You're 13."
"Wow grandma! How did you find that out?" wondered Jenny.
"Well, Jenny, last year you celebrated your 12th birthday, so I made the math and reckoned you're now 13."
"Thank you grandma! You're so smart!" Said Jenny, and headed off to her grandfather.
"Grandpa, grandpa, how old am I?" asked Jenny.
"Well, Jenny...." Said the grandfather, and after a few moments of thinking said- "Take off your blouse...” So Jenny took off her blouse.
"Now take off your pants." said the grandfather. Jenny took off her pants with a bewildered look.
"Now your bra" said the grandfather. Jenny took off her bra, staying topless.
"And your panties" said the grandfather. Jenny took off her panties, now completely naked.

The grandfather examined her for a few minutes and then said- "Well, Jenny, you're 13!"
"Wow grandpa!” Said Jenny, amazed, "How could you tell?"
"I heard grandma." said the grandfather.



74)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years".


75)
A Japanese passenger stay at Marina bay sand Hotel and wanted to go to the airport. The hotel helps him to book a cab. A comfort sonata (made in Korea) arrived, the cab driver help him to load up his luggage. He hop into the cab and the driver drives on. While driving along ECP, the Japanese wind down the window when he see a Toyota crown cab speed pass and he shouted “Toyota Crown, very good and fast, made in Japan. The cab driver was stunned and keep quiet wondering what's going on with his passenger. Another Toyota wish cab speed pass and he shouted, "Toyota Wish, very good, make in Japan, then a Honda freed speed past, he shout again," Honda, good make in Japan." The taxi driver ignore his crazy passenger and he drive on slowly and steady.
When reached the airport, the Japanese passenger asked the taxi driver, why the fare so expensive? The driver look at him and reply “Meter very fast, good, make in Japan".
76)
Ah Beng: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng: Can I take tomorrow, tonight is the final game.


77)
Ah Beng: If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I’ll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng: No, I’ll also stay with your sister.


78)
Ah Beng: People consider me as a ‘GOD’
Mother: How do you know??
Ah Beng: When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.


79)
Ah Beng complained to the police: ‘Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house.’
Police: ‘How come the thief did not take TV?’
Ah Beng: "I was watching TV news…"


80)
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying ‘Parking Fine’
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole "Thanks for complement."


81)
Ah Beng told his servant: ‘Go and water the plants!’
Servant: ‘It’s already raining.’
Ah Beng: ‘So what? Take an umbrella and go.’

82)

My sister came home from work last night and she was hot and bothered. She saw me in the hallway and said: "Take off my blouse". So I did as she said and took off her blouse. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I continued and took off her skirt. "Take off my heels." Once again, I did as she said and I took off her heels. "Now undo my pantyhose, bra, and panties." And quickly, I took them off. Then she looked at me in the eye and said... "I don't want to catch you wearing my clothes ever again."


83)


Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe? Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here." Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is so stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed?" Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what can just call home what!


84)
A Christian, Muslim and Hindu were arguing whose God is best. The Christian then brought them to the top of the HDB flat and said" my God is the best cause he will save me when ever I need him". He climbed the ledge and jumped down from the 10 storey flat. As he was about to meet his doom “he shouted “Jesus save me!”. Poof and he appeared whole and safe back on the top floor. The Muslim, not to be outdone- said" mine will save me too!" And jumped down. He shouted “Allah save me!" And the same thing happened as with the Christian. The Hindu - seeing this and knowing that the pride of his religion is at stake, proceeded to climb the ledge, said “I will invoke the power of my gods to save me!" And jumped.
Why did the Hindu die?
Answer: He didn't have time to recite all the names of his gods before he hit the ground.

85)
Ah Qiang walk for a very long time, suddenly his leg become very suan (tired), why?
Answer: Because he step on a lemon

86)
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes, dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No la, my is undying love only

87)
During an ASEAN meeting, all leaders of the ASEAN countries were present, including Lee Kuan Yew.
During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, “I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with an initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind.”
Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: “I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 million RP a year. Isn’t that smarter?”
As usual, Lee Kuan Yew of Singapore was not impressed and say, “I told my Minister of Transport to spend SGD$500 to buy an old printing machine and we also made SGD$50 Billion a year.”
Everybody was taken aback and asked “What the hell can you do with just SGD$500?”
Lee replied “I use the machine to print COE.”

88) A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? ‘Dad says, 'you are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '
89)
Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Lee Hsien Loong were sitting poolside, having tea and enjoying some idle banter.
Obama said: "You know, the US Navy SEALs are the best military force in the world. Those guys are fearless, and they will do anything their commander in chief tells them to!" He then instructs the groundskeeper to fill the pool full of alligators and piranhas.
Having done so, he proceeds to order a US Navy SEAL to jump into the pool and swim all the way to the other end. The SEAL promptly does so, and emerges at the other end bitten and bleeding, but manages to snap off a salute to his president before collapsing.
Vladimir Putin then goes "Pssht, is nothing. Russian Spetsnasz commandos are braver, they will gladly die for Mother Russia. I prove to you!"
He then tells the groundsman to throw floating mines, string anti-personnel mortars and concertina wire across the water surface, following which he orders a Spetsnasz commando to jump in the pool and swim to the other end. The Russian commando promptly snaps off a salute and does so, but unfortunately trips a mine and dies in the process. "You see, he die gladly for Mother Russia!" exclaims Putin.
Lee Hsien Loong then chips in with "You think that's impressive? You haven't seen anything yet. Bring one of my NSmen in, please." After an NSman arrived, LHL then tells the groundsman: "Hey, fill the whole pool with acid, concentrated acid, anything that goes in sure die one."
The groundsman does so, and soon the pool is overflowing with corrosive acid.
Lee then turns to the NSman, and says "You, jump in and swim to the other end." The NSman looks back at Lee, pulls a face, and shouts "WTF?!? YOU SIAO ARH?"
Lee then turns to the other two world leaders and says "You see? HE DARES TALK BACK TO ME."

90)
Why did Ah Beng go to a R(A) movie with his 18 friends?
Answer: Because below 18 was not allowed

91)
Question: If you see 2 Chinese men holding hands & you call them "gays", what do you call 10 Chinese man holding hands? Answer: CHINGAY!!

92)
Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!"
The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!" Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea. Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn,He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (Go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex (Rolex) and my wallet!" The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest. In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared,I got condom!!!"

93)
There was this young and pretty bimbo who just started work. After her first week, her lao bu asked her, “Why you every day eat MacDonald? Your pay also not high?” Pretty bimbo girl said, “Never mind one. My boss give me treat.” “Everyday?” her mother eye big big look at her. “Where got boss so good one? And why you every day wear so short dress to work?” “Aiya, Ma,” Pretty bimbo Girl said. “My boss very nice one. But he old Liao, Cannot climb ladder. Everyday also ask me climb ladder take something from top shelf. He some more hold ladder for me. So kind, rite?”
“Aiyo!” her mother exclaimed, “You kanna cheated liao. Your boss is chi kopek (perverted old man). Actually, he is peeping at your panties.” “Is it?” pretty bimbo girl said. “Wah Lau. Why he like that one?” The next day, pretty bimbo girl went to work in mini-skirt as usual. When she returned, her mother asked, “Ah Girl, your boss got ask you climb ladder take things again?” “Got.” Pretty bimbo girl said. “Aiyo,” her mother exclaimed “I oredi told you right? Your boss is chi kopek. He is peeping at your panties lah.” “No worries, Ma,” Pretty bimbo girl said. “Today I didn’t wear panties.”

94)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!" "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But... What happened to the other ear?" "That stoopid Dumbo called back!"

95)

What’s the difference between ang-mor and Hokkien fairy tales? Ang-mor fairy tales begin with: "Once upon a time..." Hokkien fairy tales begin with: "Lim Peh ka li Kong..."

96)

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

97)
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, ‘send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

98)

Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

99)

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients.
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?"
Mr. Lim replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!" The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on...
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa pang jio in the fridge again!”

100)

Ah Beng: “Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and London?” Operator: “Just a minute…”
Ah Beng: “Thank you” *puts down the phone* 
One last one, as a bonus...
101)

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an Singaporean and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.
Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of Water to become, then your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool. Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and Immersed himself into a pool of vodka. The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was aso contented with his beer pool. The last is the Singaporean. He was running towards the pool when suddenly He steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
Hahaha that's all folks!thanks for reading!

Friday 31 May 2019

[Post 90] Learning investing/trading together part 17:How to read financial statements and financial ratio part 2

Continuing on from last post..

Note:The Cash flow statement are taken from Singpost(S08),yahoo Finance

Cash Flow Statement
  • Cash Flow Statement show the flow of cash in and out of the business
  • It is broken down into operating, financing and investing activities
Cash Flow:Operating Activities
  • Operating activities include manufacturing, selling and delivering the product of the company as well as collecting payment from its customers. 
  • This could include the purchase of raw materials, inventory building, advertising, and product shipping.
  • The higher the cash flow of operations, the stronger the company is. Investors love strong cash flow companies.

Cash Flow:Financing Activities


  • What interest investor the most in this part of the statement is the dividends.
  • It means good news for the investor if the company pays consistent dividends. 
  • This statement shows the cash flow from all financing activities other than dividends. 
  • Typical cash flow source includes cash raised through the sale of stocks and bonds or bank borrowing.

Important: You will find the word "Note" with the numbered item below as you go through the actual accounting numbers in the annual report. Please read the notes as they reveal important information about certain items.




Cash Flow: Investing Activities



  • This statement shows the cash used to purchase assets such as property, plant and equipment for the long-term purpose of operating the business and other investment or acquisition. 
  • If the business sells assets or an investment subsidiary, it will be reflected as cash from investment activity.

Note:If the expediture (purchase of property, plant and equipment) increases, you may want to investigate whether the company's revenue also increases. If expenditure increases but income does not increase, the investor should be careful




Financial ratio
  • Most of us do not have the luxury of looking through financial statement all day long(or prefer to avoid looking at financial statement)  after a long day at work.Hence, using the financial ratio to gauge which company to invest and trade will help to speed up the process
  • A Financial ratio is simply used to evaluate whether we should invest in the company or not.
  • There are many websites that show the financial ratio for different company(e.g SGX website),so we do not need to do any calculation to get the ratio(what a relief,eh?),this would also help us to save time evaluating on the company
  • Hence,we are only require to understand what the different financial ratio means...

Financial ratio are generally divided into five different categories
1)Liquidity,
2)Profitability 

3)Debt
4)Efficiency 
5)Others

1.Liquidity

Current Ratio





  • A simple ratio of current asset divide by current liabilities
  • Current liabilities are debt that need to clear in the short term(in a year)
  • If a company has a current ratio less then 1.0, do not invest in it
  • If a company has a current ratio more then 2.0, May consider investing in it
  • The higher the current ratio, the better

Cash Ratio

Image result for cash ratio formula

  • Measures the ability of the company to cover its liabilities.
  • The higher the ratio,the more cash the company has, to pay off the current liabilities
  • The ideal range:More than 1
Quick ratio
  • Quick ratio is used to determine if the company has enough short term assets to sell to cover its current liabilities(debt)
  • The quick ratio is almost similar to current ratio except that it is assumed that the company does not sell its inventories(e.g Toyota inventory is its car) or stock, it is still able to fulfill its debt
  • If the company has a quick ratio of 0.75 and below, do not invest in it
  • If the company has a quick ratio of 1.25 and above, May consider investing in it
  • The higher the quick ratio the better

2.Profitability

Gross Profit Margin 


  • The proportion of money left after deducting revenue from the cost of sold goods. It is best if the margin remains consistent or is increasing year after year.
  • Ideal range: 15 % or more. Please compare with other companies in the same industry
Net Profit Margin
Image result for net profit margin
  • The proportion of money left after deducting income from all expenses. 
  • It measures the ability of the company to meet all operating costs (including indirect costs). 
  • Low profit means that the company has no competitive advantage or the ability to increase prices.
  • Ideal Range: 8 percent or more
Return on Equity

  • It is one of the most important ratios to investors. 
  • It measures how much profit a company generates from the money of the shareholder. 
  • Ideal range: 15% or more
Return On Assets

  • It measures how much profit the company is generating from its assets. 
  • It is also known as Return on Investment.
Selling,General & Administrative Expenses

  • It measures the ability of the company to control its overhead. 
  • Ideal range: the lower the better

Will continue part 3 here!




Wednesday 15 May 2019

(Post 89/Year 2 week 26)Learning investing/trading together part 16:How to read financial statements(Profit/loss statement and Balance Sheet)

This week on learning investing/trading together, we will be learning how to read the financial statement, this is important as it allows us to judge whether we should invest in the company or not. (I know it sounds boring, but stick with me ok😄?)

I have written on reading some part of the financial statement, a year back here. As it does not cover the financial statements thoroughly, this post will be a good pre-read before we delve into the "deeper" stuff.

Some of this post material is from the book: How I become a profitable trader after losing $30,000(by Koh Ming Shao), you can either buy the book online or borrow the book from the library(remember my tip on borrowing books from the library?)

So let's get straight to the point!

A typical company financial statement is made up of 3 component
  1. Profit And Loss Statement
  2. Balance Sheet
  3. Cash Flow Statement
I will be using Singpost financial statement from yahoo finance as an example.Do note that i will be not be going through the terms,only those term that will be use in my upcoming post on financial ratios will be used(I will explain more about it in the future post).

Profit and Loss Statement
  • The Profit and Loss Statement shows the company's revenues and expenses over a particular period, usually a year
  • To summarize, the Profit and Loss statement show how profitable the company is
  • Below is an example of a Profit and Loss Statement/Income statement of Singpost (stock code: S08), refer to this link for the Profit and Loss statement from Singpost
  • **refer to important

Revenue

Total Revenue
  • Revenue is the amount of money a company earns through its business.
  • A good company should see its revenue increase year by year
Cost of revenue
  • It included those directly linked to product production, such as labor costs, materials, and overhead production. 
  • For example, for singpost, the sales cost refers to the electricity bill requiring the operation of the machinery, fuel for the transportation of workers, etc.(A little unsure about it myself also, as there are many factors affecting the costs of goods)
Gross profit
  • The difference between revenue and cost of revenue. The number gives an indication of the company financial health
  • Higher gross profit also indicates that the company can fend off competitors from the same industry
  • With high gross profit, the company can pay for its operating costs and other expenses
  • Hence, the more the better!
  • Gross Profit=Revenue-Cost Of revenue
Net Profit
  • This is the difference between the revenue and all of the expenses incurred for the cost of doing business(overhead)plus interest and depreciation.
  • It represents the profitability of the company. Higher net profit may also mean that the company is able to price their product higher than their competitor
  • However, if the company is constantly cutting its cost to drive up revenue, it is not a solid company as its revenue growth may have become stagnant


Operating expenses

Research development
  • Expenses spend on researching product and, service.
  • The intention to develop a product or service that will provide income over the coming years, E.g. singpost researching on a new mail sorting machine
  • Research development 2018: Nil
Selling general and administrative
  • Sum of all direct and indirect selling expenses and all general and administrative expenses (G&A) of a company
  • E.g corporate and sales or marketing salaries, commissions, advertising and any promotional materials
  • Selling general and administrative 2018:$147,624,000
Non-recurring 
  • Unusual charge, expense, or loss that is unlikely to occur again(one time off payment) 
  • This include lawsuit payments and moving expenses
Total operating expense
·   An operating expense is an expanse a business incurs through its normal business operation.
·   Operating expenses include rent, equipment, inventory cost, marketing, payroll, insurance and funds allocated for research and development

Operating income or loss
·   Operating income is an accounting figure that measures the amount of profit realized frombusiness’s operations, after deducting operation expenses such as wages, depreciation, and cost of goods sold
·   Total other income/Expenses net

Net income
·    Income minus cost of goods sold, expenses and taxes for an accounting period

Income from continuing expenses

Interest expense
·   It represents interest payable on any borrowing, bonds, loans, convertible debt or line of credit

Earnings before interest and taxes

·   An indicator of a company’s profitability.
·   Revenue minus expenses excluding tax and interest.
·   Also known as operating earnings, operating profit and profit before interest and taxes

Income before tax
·   This refers to the profit a company made before paying its income tax bill

Income tax expenses
  • The tax that the company have to pay to the government
Minority interest
  • Minority interest refer to the minority stockholders(retail investor like you and me) shares holding
Net income from continuing ops
  • The net income that the company earn after deducting the tax
Balance sheet
  • The balance sheet provides you with a snapshot of the company's financial strength at the end of the accounting year. A balance sheet tells you what a company owns (Assets) and what the companies owe(Liabilities). It is divided into 5 component as follows
  1. Non-Current Assets
  2. Current Assets
  3. Current Liabilities
  4. Non-Current Liabilities
  5. Shareholder's Equity
  • Below is an example of a balance sheet



Non-Current Asset
  • Non-current assets are assets a company does not expect to convert into cash within the current year or may take longer than one year to sell
  • Some examples of non-current assets are property, plant equipment, and vehicles. These assets are used to run the business, and can not be sold
Current Asset
  • Current assets are assets that the company is expected to convert into cash, such as cash and short-term deposits (sometimes referred to as cash and cash equivalents or cash and bank balances), inventories, trading receivables, and money that the company is expected to collect as part of a project's progressive payment (applicable to a project-based firm).
  • Under current assets, a few important components you should know are:
  • Cash & Cash Equivalents is the amount of money the company has in the bank. Remember, Cash is KING! 
  • If the company has more cash, it either means the company may not have to borrow or just borrow a little to run the business. 
  • Investors love investing in a company with little or no debt.
  • With little or no borrowing, if the business is not profitable or growing, the companies will be spared from high interest expenses or the possibility of running debt repayment problems. . 
  • However, if the company sits on a pile of cash but does not return the cash to shareholders as a dividend or expand the business, the management does not make good use of the money and generate better returns for shareholders.
  • Trade and other receivables also relate to commercial debtors.It is the monies that are own to the company by their customers. 
  • Like most businesses, their customers would be given credit terms as a gesture for an ongoing business relationship. 
  • Credit terms are given to their loyal customers such as 30 days, 60 days or even 90 days. Investors would like to see a reduction in trade and other receivables
  • Rising trade receivables would mean that the company has trouble collecting creditors ' payments and would have a severe impact on the cash flow of the company. 
  • However, due to the nature of their business, some companies always have trade that is admissible on the high side. You will need to compare companies in the same sector to determine the trend
  • Inventory refers to raw material, work-in-progress good and finished product that the company has yet to be sold off or delivered.  Investors love to see the inventory moving quickly. 
  • The faster the stock is sold, the more income the company can generate.

Current Liabilities 
  • Current Liabilities are what the company owes and must be repaid with the current accounting year.
  • These include trade and other payables (also known as commercial creditors), loans and borrowing, amounts due to clients for contracts and ongoing contract work (only applicable to a project-based company), and other financial obligations
Non-Current Liabilities
  • Non-current liabilities are what the company owes and will only be repaid after one year or more
Shareholders' equity
  • Shareholder equity refers to the company's value or net worth. 
  • It basically means the money that is left if a company sold all of its assets and paid off all of its liabilities. 
  • This leftover money belongs to the shareholders, or the owners, of the company
  • Equity= Assets -Liabilities
  • The most important section of equity is retained earning also known as retained profits or accumulated profits. 
  • As the word suggests,, the company will retain retained earning for investment purposes, distribute them as a dividend or pay off its debt,.If the company is making losses, it will be called retained losses.
Will continue the post at here!

Friday 10 May 2019

(Post 88/Year 2 Week 25) Just For Laugh part 2: 100 Jokes From Singapore part 1

Back again with part 2 of chill and relax

Presenting 100 jokes from Singapore!

100 jokes from Singapore is one of my early attempt to write an eBook(about 5 years ago?). Leaving  it in a DUST is such a waste so,here i am...

Disclaimers note: Do note that some of the joke(in fact most )are not created by me but let's just laugh, and enjoy this post without worrying about the small detail,ok?with that,let's head off to having a good laugh,eh? 

Let's start off with a series of questions and answer…..

1)

If mantou and tau sar bao went to see a sad movie, who will cried?

Answer: tau sar bao because mantou no filling (feeling, geddit?)

Ok moving on.... 

2) 

If a big bao and a tao sar bao went to see the same sad movie again who cried?
Answer: Big bao because more filling (feeling, still geddit?)

Last one guys…. 

3)

If a lian rong bao and a tao sar bao, both the same size went to see the same movie yet again, who cried?
Answer: Lian rong bao, because tao sar bao see third time liao see until sian (bored in hokkien dialect)liao.

There seem to be an American version with burger somewhere my friend remarked when he read this joke.My reply was "that why this post is called 100 jokes from singapore and not 100 American jokes, lol!" 

By the way have you heard of the Singapore version of the three little bear story? 

4)

3 bears came home after a hunting trip:
"Somebody has been eating my porridge “said Father Bear.
"Somebody has been eating my porridge too “said Brother Bear.
"Somebody has been eating my porridge and eaten it all up “cried Baby Bear
Mama Bear:F.ucking fatties, I haven't even cook the f, ucking porridge yet....

Okay, I actually contemplated whether to omit out the bad words in that joke, but you know it doesn't really have the punchline without it...Anyway I am not stereotyping on Singaporean girl lazy to cook nowadays or maybe? Here's a joke about women anyway.. 

5) 

Why are hurricanes named after women?
Answer: They all start wet and wild and when they leave, they take the car and house with them

6)

Why is NS man the most eligible man in the Singapore?
Answer: because he can cook and sew! Most importantly he is already used to taking orders from people

Fortunately, all Singaporean man have to serve 2 years of conscripted national service so that make us all eligible,yay! 
Talking about national service, there is quite a few jokes about it....


7) 
How many NS man does it take to change the lightbulb?
Answer: 13 man
1 Commanding officer to approve training
1 supervising officer
1 conducting officer
1 safety officer
1 sergeant to conduct warmup and cool down
1 medic
1 vehicle operator
1 storeman for the drawing of bulb and water point
2 medics in the medical center
1 medical officer on standby at the nearest 24hr medical center
1 NSF man to participate in training
1 clerk to loan out the lesson plan

Okok, perhaps only ns man are able to geddit, anyway time for some heartland joke..

8) 

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker center. Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health posted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' 'D' stand for what ah?"
Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also donno! 'D' stands for 'delicious', 'C' stands for 'can eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand for 'Alamak'!"*(oh my god!)

There is another version for this though..

9)

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker center. Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health posted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' 'D' stand for what ah?"
Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also donno! "A" stand for  "A sai"( can lah) ","B" stands for " buay pai(not bad)","C" stands for can ka sai(like shit) and "D" stand for "diarrhea".

Random question coming up...

10)

How do you confuse a Malay dude?
Answer: Put him in a round room and ask him to lepak (relax) one corner.

11)

Ben: the other day I went to city harvest church for Sunday service and tell a joke, do you know what happened?
Adam: No, what happened?
Ben: when I tell the joke, everyone went Kong hehehe and sun hohoho

12)

Why didn't anyone win the contest?
Answer: Because the contestants were "conned"

13) 

Why couldn't john log into his singpass?
Answer: Because he didn't pass his singing.

14) 

Why are concerts always windy?
Answer: because there is a lot of fans
15)

Which animal is the best fighter?
Answer: zebra because it has a black belt

16)

Teacher from which secondary school dun earn much?
Answer: Dunearn Secondary school

The next joke may be a tad racist but still please do take it with a pinch of salt

17)

A tourist from India came to visit Singapore and was given a tour by the tour guide. the guide took him to the marina bay Skypark, and couldn't help but boast "From here you can see the whole of Singapore, we pride ourselves on being the cleanest and greenest city.... unlike India. You won't be able to find "dirty" in Singapore!!'

Anger by the tour guide words the Indian tourist started surveying Singapore's landscape determined to prove his guide wrong. True to the tour guide word, Singapore was really a clean and green country and he would not find any fault with it. Finally, just as he was about to give up, he spotted a dirty patch amidst the sea of cleanliness.

"THERE! What’s that dirty patch there?" he said triumphantly to his tour guide. Disbelieving, the guide took the binoculars.
"Oh. That’s Little India."

Lol!! Once again I apologize if the joke sound crude

18) 

Teacher: Ah Kau, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ah Kau: $10.
Teacher: You don’t know Maths.
Ah Kau: You don’t know my father la!

So this teacher didn't give up and ask another question, this time to ah meng the gangster of the class…

19)

Teacher: Ah Meng, if you have ten apples and your neighbors take two apples from you, how many apples you left?
Ah meng: One dead neighbor and ten apples

Next was the science lesson, once again teacher pop out a question

20) 

Teacher: Where were you born?
Ah Ming: Singapore, Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Ah Ming: All of me

Another question from the teacher...

21) 

Teacher: How old is your father, ah Lian?
Ah Lian: Same as me la.
Teacher: How can that be?
Ah Lian: He only became a father when I born lor!

22) 

Teacher: Ah Beng, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Ah Beng: A teacher

23) 

Teacher: “I killed a person” convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng: The future tense is “you will go to jail”

School ended and Ah Kau went home

24) 

Father: your teacher just calls and said that it was impossible to teach you anything!!
Ah Kau: That’s why I tell you she's no good ah!

Soon, exam period came and was over as quickly as it came...

25) 

Mother: Ah Kau, come here.
Ah Kau: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
Ah Kau: But but but….I will only get my report card tomorrow
Mother: I know that, but I’m going Hong Kong tomorrow so I’m scolding you now.

Report card came the next day...

26)

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test, ah Kau?
Ah Kau: On Monday, the teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Ah Kau: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8, On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8, if she can’t make up her mind, how I know which one is the right answer?

Continuing on...

27) 

Teacher to ah meng: Why can't you answer any of the questions?
Ah meng to teacher: what could be the point of coming to school if I am able to answer all your questions, Cher?

28) 

Ah heng: teacher, I can't solve this problem
Teacher: Any five year old should be able to solve this one
Ah heng: No wonder I can't do it then, I’m, almost ten

29) 

Teacher: Define absolute zero, tom
Tom: the lowest grade you can get on a test

30) 

Teacher: What is the equivalent of sixty seconds?
Tom: give me a minute and I will think about it


31) 

Ah Beng: teacher, tom keep looking at my answer
Teacher: Don’t worry, he won't find anything

Recently, the Singapore soccer team seems to like asking foreign country soccer team to come and have a friendly match here, this is what happened after one such event

32)

A policeman was walking around and checking the national stadium after a soccer game, just then he spotted a young boy, curious the police went up to question the young boy
Police: young boy, what are you still doing here the match is already over and where are your parent?
Young boy: I don't want to go home, my father beat me, my mother beat me, everyone in my family beat me, even the family dog bark at me, I don't want to go home
Police: Then where do you want to go?
Young boy: the Singapore soccer team
Police: Why do you want to go to the Singapore soccer team?
Young boy: because the Singapore soccer team never beat anybody

33) 

I’m going home to my mother! “Threatened ah meng wife
"Go ahead! “Shouted, ah meng
"But I am coming back with her! “Stated ah meng wife triumphantly

34)

What do you call a Hokkien cow’s father and mother?
Answer: cow peh and cow bu

35)

Got this army private sent overseas for his army life
Of course, he didn’t like to go there lah. He preferred here mah. Here can go Geylang anytime.
He looked around his camp. It was in the middle of the desert. Wah Lau eh! Stay here for half a year sure die one.
So he asked his sergeant, “You know, Sergeant. We all are also a man. So here, if we cannot tahan, how?”
The sergeant smiled and pointed to some camels outside. “No worry. I understand. If you want, use the camel lor.”
Army private thought, “Wah lau eh. I die die also dun want to f* a camel.”
But three weeks later, he really cannot tahan Liao.
So that night, he chose the smallest camel and f* it.
After that, he went to the Sergeant, “Wah lau eh. F* a camel where got fun? So big. So smelly.”
“Huh?” the Sergeant’s eyes opened big big. “You f* the camel?”
“You said one mah. You said if cannot tahan, use the camel.”
“Yes, we use the camels,” the sergeant said. “We use to camels to take us to the town. There got women mah.”

36) 

Ah Seng was dying, his wife ah lian was by his bedside.“ ah lian,” he said in a tired voice, “lim peh ka li kong, there’s something I must confess.”
“Aiya,” say ah lian, “just lie down there lah, no need to say anything.”
“No,” say ah seng, “I must die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother.”
“I know,” says ah lian, “That’s why I poisoned you mah! Now lie down there and close your eyes.”

37) 

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You b******.”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You God-damned b******.”
The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?”
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

38) 

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"

39) 

Why is teacher mostly bachelor?
Answer: because when they talk no one is listening

40)

Twenty minutes into the one hour journey to ah swee party...
Ah Lian: stop, we got to go home
Ah Lian husband: why?
Ah Lian: I’ve forgotten my phone
Ah Lian husband: trust me you will be having too much fun at a party to remember your phone
Ah Lian: But I need to call ah swee and tell her that we'll be late
Ah Lian husband: why will we be late?
Ah Lian: because we had to go back for my phone

Ah Lian was at the party..

41) 

Ah swee: My husband has one hundred thousand in his bank!
Ah Lian: That’s nothing I made my husband a millionaire!
Ah swee: How did you do it?
Ah lian: When i spend his ten millions...



42)
One day, ah meng show up at work with a black eye
Ah Seng to ah meng: you look terrible, did you have a fight with your wife last night?
Ah meng to ah seng: yes I did but do not worry, because I always have the last word in an argument
Ah Seng to ah meng: what is the last word?
Ah meng to ah seng: it’s sorry

43)

a man has just got his, new library card, having some queries he approach the pretty librarian
Man to pretty librarian: with this card, can I take out any book?
Librarian to man: Yes, you may
Man to the pretty librarian: can I also, borrow and take out DVD?
Pretty librarian to man: Yes, you may
Man to pretty librarian: Can I also borrow and take you out?
Pretty librarian (blushing) to man: the librarian, sir, are for reference only

44)

During rush hour, there was a heavy traffic jam
Passenger to taxi driver: can you go any faster?
Taxi driver to passenger: can lah but I am not allowed to leave my taxi lah

45) 

James went to the dentist to get his wisdom tooth pluck out. James asked the dentist “how much for pulling out my wisdom tooth"?
"50 dollars!" Came the reply
"50 dollars for such a quick operation?!!" Complained James
"I would do it very slowly to get your money worth" came the quick reply

More ns joke...

46)

A: Have you heard about the stupid blur sotong recruit in tekong
B: No, what did he do?
A: when the sergeant asked him to drop twenty, he took out twenty cents and drop on the floor!
47)

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said,
"Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
"I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said,
"Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see," he said.
"Okay," she said and she pulled up her skirt,
He looked and said,
"That's right you better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl,
"I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look so he pulled down his pants for her. "Oh, my God, it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and gizzard!!" she said.

48) 

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or Breast Cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"

49)
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He replied in a hushed whisper “you never told me that your dad was a pharmacist!"

50)

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather smiles. "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars?"
The grandfather replies, "Yes, I know. But that's from your grandma!"


Hope you all enjoy the jokes,another 50 jokes coming up in a future post!